The Starter Husband

In America, based on statistics a married couple has a 50% chance of staying married longer that 7 years. Now if you are a black couple your chances decrease to a 30% chance to making it to that 7 year anniversary. Heck that is not even enough time to make a dent in a 30 year mortgage or other debts married couples may accumulate. I was reading an article in Marie Claire titled “The Starter Husband” and it gave insight to why many young marriages may be failing. According to the article many young women have a casual disregard for the institution of marriage, something that can be slipped in and out of very easily. That is especially the case when there are no children involved. One woman in the article is quoted as saying, “Today marriage is the new dating and having children is the new marriage. I would have never gotten married if I didn’t think I could get out of it.” For some a starter husband is like a starter home- a semi commitment where you’re willing to do some of the surface work, like painting the walls, but not heavy lifting, like gutting the whole foundation; he’s just not a long term investment. Others compare starter husbands to a first job, where you learn some skills and polish your resume before going after the position you really want. We live in an H&M culture, where you can go out and by 10 cheap items for the season, then toss them, rather than investing in one beautiful coat you’ll wear another 10 seasons. More and more women have that throwaway mentality with their first marriage. Most of us find ourselves married and we don’t know what a real marriage is or what it is suppose to feel like. Pressure is coming from every angle to get married and start a family especially if you are 25 or older. We want to do the respectable thing and get married right ? However, women today are making new rules to divorce. Unlike their mothers and grandmothers who stayed in failed marriages for financial reasons, today’s woman can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. There is no longer a need to stay put in an empty shell of a marriage---an agreement on paper only, instead young women are divorcing in record numbers and remarrying within 5 years. Tell me your thoughts on this do you think women between the ages of 18-35 are looking for starter husbands’ not permanent life partners.

* orginal article found in Marie Claire, written by Gretchen Voss

Knowing When To Call It Quits

I am listening to the Michael Baisden Show and the topic is Drug Addicts and people who love them. There are so many sistahs calling in saying how much they love these men and that they are hoping that their love will pull them out of the clutches of addiction. I ache for all these women that have sacrificed so much of their being. Call after call women are saying the same thing. “I can’t give up on him, I’m all he got”. Of course, Michael tries to give these sistahs some pearls of wisdom and advice. But then I asked myself, what is the difference between someone loving a drug addict and loving someone toxic. We all have been involved at one time or another with a toxic lover. I recently kicked a toxic lover to the curb. The sad part is I waited way to long to through up the peace sign and chuck the brother the deuce and keep it moving. I let this man keep me angry, waiting, and pissed off most of the time. Actually, I felt empowered when I let that relationship go. My spirit kept telling me to leave this man alone, but I pushed the feeling aside for a few more weeks. Then I realized my feelings were trying to communicate to my brain and heart that this was no longer a workable arrangement. ( but hey the sex was good, that will cloud a sistah judgment real quick) I have always heard the phrase “Do not through your pearls before swine”. We can not love men that do not love us in a productive way. Men that do not recognize the jewel that you are are not for you! Trying to hang around and love someone hard enough hoping that one day he will see the value in you is foolish. Because a relationship does not work or the man does not choose you, does not mean you are flawed in anyway. Now it would be unwise to get out of a counterproductive relationship and not do some self evaluation. I always do a self check. I want to correct any foolish behavior patterns real quick. Believe me being single is not the worst thing in the world and when applied correctly can be used as a time for self evaluation and reflection. Happiness, joy and peace are byproducts of self love. No one ever taught me about self love and how to love me. This led me to be involved in some questionable relationships. I began to think that my partner’s perception of me was more important than my own perception. Now, I am not gonna say that I let a man straight dog me, but I did have a high tolerance for bullsh*t. The disrespect had to be so blatant that I had no choice but to react. With each misstep there is a lesson. The key is learning from the relationships doing some adjustments and keep it moving. Currently I am a vision of self love and the byproducts of happiness, joy and peace are coming into my life, and I will happily share this when the right man comes along. Until then I am single and ready to mingle!