Single and Satisfied

Today single black women face tough odds when it comes to obtaining a mate. As many of you have heard time and time again 45% of black women have never been married and the divorce rate has an average of 50%. They beat us over the head with this fact don’t they.

Most of us don’t have time to think and/or care about the statistics . But in the mean time and in between time how does one stay single and satisfied? Personally, I’ve had my share of unhealthy relationships and bed buddies; with age and wisdom my whole dating criteria has changed.

In my teens and twenties I just had to be “boo’ed” up all the time. Sometimes I really liked the person I was with, other times they were just something to do until the next best thing came along. After spending years on a rollercoaster ride of relationships, I began to get woozy, off balanced and empty: the ride was no longer fun. It wasn’t worth waiting in line, the anticipation wore off and I ran screaming out of the amusement park of bad relationships.


At this point in my life I’d rather be single and never married than to be with someone who is not right for me. It’s tiring starting over again..and again… and again.. and again…and again. I don’t think it’s worth it. As women, most of us know what we want in a man: I just haven’t figured out why we accept those that don’t meet our standards. Why deal with all the rehabs… ya know the fixer uppers, the ones with potential.

Women over the age of 28 don’t have the time or energy to deal with fixer-uppers. Most women have their stuff together at this age. Many of us are buying homes, creating businesses, graduating from college, pursuing advance degrees and running for political office like never before.

No longer are we sitting at home waiting on the phone to ring… we will take ourselves out. Trust me, I’ve been to movies, plays, wineries and vacations all by my damn self. I love doing things that I like and I will not wait until a man shows up to live my life…. Nor should you.

Trying To Keep It Together

I feel so empty today a bit off base. Today was my uncle’s funeral and I decided not to go, for my own personal sanity. I absolutely hate funerals, they make me mentally ill. So to save myself grieve I decided to go to work today. As a matter of fact to keep my mind busy I decided to work 11 hours. But guess what I kept peeping the time and around the time of the funeral my stomach got all tied up in knots, felt like I wanted to vomit and generally felt alone.

Not going to the funeral did not totally solve my problem. But I knew it would have been 10x worst if I had actually gone and peeked inside the casket. Honestly I am trying to keep it together; Sometimes it’s easy other times it’s hard.

My uncle was killed by someone close to our family and my emotions are everywhere. I know the person did not try to kill him… but the outcome is the same. I believe in God and the word says

TO EVERYTHING there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted,
A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down and a time to build up,
A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
A time to get and a time to lose, a time to keep and a time to cast away,
A time to rend and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.This says to me that while on this earth I will experience a multitude of joy, pain, peace, turmoil, happiness, love and hate. I remember I read somewhere that we were spiritual beings having a human experience, and truly I believe that.
I just hate thinking about my own immortality and that is what funerals make me think about. But on the other hand I think about how short his life really is. How important it is to live life to the fullest and fulfill your purpose. These past few days I’ve asked myself if I am living my life to the fullest, if I’m squeezing every drop out.
It’s becoming more and more important to me that I live a happy life. Not a live filled with complaints, unfulfilled dreams, and blurbs of happiness. So now I try not to trip off of things too hard. Stand up for what I believe with the understanding that we all may not get along.

There is no point in trying to make everyone happy. When I get down, I will no longer stay down. I will consciously try to move past things that don’t enhance or benefit my life. Balance is the key

RIP Uncle Jabbo

While many are mourning the loss of Bernie Mac... I am mourning Uncle Jab. Today my favorite uncle died and I am all messed up about it. When things like death come around everything during that time become singed in my mind. I will remember where I was at when I heard the news, what songs came on the radio, what I ate, what it smelled like and what I was feeling when I found out.

Years later I can hear the song I heard moments after the death of a loved one, and I will immediately associate the song with their death. But death of a loved one always brings my own mortality to the fore front. Like, I know one day I will die, but I can not say that I am looking forward to it. Death makes me reflect on my own life and my happiness.

You only get one life and ideally you want it to be full of joy, happiness, love and peace. When I think of loved ones that passed on I try to determine if they lived a full life and if they knew that that day would have been their last day what would they have said or did.

I often wonder did God come to them, if they had an out of body experience, if an angel escorted them to the pearly gates or if it's all a lie. Honestly, I am afraid of death, people tell me "if you know where you stand with God then there is no need to be afraid." But I am afraid of the unknown... afraid it may hurt, afraid of leaving what I know and afraid of being forgotten.

My uncle Jabbo was the baby boy of 12 kids. He was funny and very loving. He never
took himself too seriously, just a good guy. I hated to see him go, I know that's a
selfish statement..... but it's true. I HATE funerals, I hate seeing people laying there all stiff, in a wax like state. It's 1:20am and I can not get my uncle and his death off my mind.

I'm so tired of death.... I really just had dealing with the entire process. It's hard to see my family in such a sad state. I just pray we can get through this and keep his memory alive.

I love and miss you uncle jab..... rest in GOD's peace

Prison Rehabilitation….. The BIG Con Game.

I must admit, I know more than a few ex-cons. Some are family members, friends, associates and friends of friends. They all have one thing in common…. the inability to start a fresh new beginning. Imagine trying to find a job in these rough economic conditions, and then imagine being a convicted felon and trying to find a job.


This year American prisons will release more than 600,000 inmates. To put it another way, a city with a population larger than Washington, D.C., leaves prison every year. By 2010 the prison system will annually release 1.2 million, according to University of California, Irvine, criminologist Joan Petersilia,


Millions of men and women face blatant job discrimination everyday. I’ve personally witnessed a man’s self esteem and self worth be crushed to pieces. In many cases when a job is found, it is often minimum wage doing menial task. I watched as my friend filled out hundreds of applications and going on many interviews only to be told, “Sorry we can’t hire you with a felony on your record.” Hey never mind the felony occurred 10 years ago.

Prisons do not offer job training or anything that will assist the prisoner upon released. We must give these people a fighting change if they are to make it. Yes, they made a mistake, but they have paid the price. Is it fair that they continue to pay the price for the rest of their lives?

Sadly, many ex-cons find themselves facing incarceration again due to the inability of finding decent employment. Nearly two-thirds of ex-inmates were re-arrested on serious charges within three years, and 41 percent were reconvicted and returned to prison.

My question is with 1.3 million people in prison, how can we continue to let employers discriminate against such a large group of people? How can we not equip these people with the tools required to succeed and finally why is the re-entry rate so high? I will give you three reasons.

Convicted felons are unable to vote. Elected officials feel it unnecessary to give precedence to people who can not help elect them? They treat felons as an invisible group who don’t deserve their service or attention


The prison business is big money. Privatization of prisons brings in billions of dollars for those who choose to get in the corrections game. According to Edwin Bender, executive director of the Institute on Money in State Politics, private prison companies strongly favor states with the toughest sentencing laws, in essence the ones that are more likely to come up with the bodies to fill prison beds. Those states, adds Bender, are also the ones most likely to have passed three-strikes laws.


A recent report from the Montana-based Institute on Money in State Politics reveals that during the 2002 and 2004 election cycles, private prison companies, directors, executives and lobbyists gave $3.3 million to candidates and state political parties across 44 states.


So you see it’s all a sham… a big revolving door. It is set up for the inmate to fail; the ultimate goal is recidivism, not success. With so many people in the African American community affected by this issue, it’s time we do something about this. I plan on writing my congressman, alder (wo)man and who ever else will listen.

Luv’n It

Well it’s Friday and I must admit that I am ready for the weekend. It seems like this week lasted a month. Anyway, I was looking at videos the other day and came across my new anthem.

Ms Keys hit the nail on the head when she made Superwoman. I LOVE this song. It is so refreshing and inspiring. The lyrics let people know that even when women are a mess, we still gotta be somebody superwoman.


We got issues…. But the kids are still hungry, we still gotta go to work, we still going to school to get the degree, our men need our support, the house need cleaning, the clothes need washing, gotta take the kids to practice and finally take care of ourselves. If that is not a superwoman I don’t know what is.

Here are the lyrics to my new favorite song.


"Superwoman"

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
state of humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come
And all my women, all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun
And all my sisters
Coming together
Say yes I will
Yes I can

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

When I'm breaking down
And I can't be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly, Oh

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

Congress says.... I'M SORRY BLACK FOLKS

The week the United States Congress issued an apology for enslavement of millions of Africans. Honestly I don’t know how I feel about this so called apology. I am not happy, I am not sad but mostly I’m indifferent. It’s like when I was a kid; I used to make all kind of promises and apologies while secretly crossing my hands behind my back.

I mean really folks do you think America is sorry for slavery? Have you heard the apologies from corporate entities like Chase, Aetna, FleetBoston Financial Corp, J.P. Morgan , and New York Life, all of which are multi-million/billion dollar companies say …Opps I’m sorry. What’s sorry about virtually free labor guaranteeing profits for your company? Even today it’s hard for blacks to rise to the top while working for these companies, so you know they are not sorry about slavery.


Slavery is still relevant today in America. Yes the chains were removed, there are no whips and every black man woman and child can roam free. But the effects of slavery has reared is ugly head in all forms of discrimination. Hurricane Katrina proved the value of black lives. Black men are beaten and killed by police and it’s no problem, the jails are filled to full capacity with black men and women, schools in the “urban” areas are underfunded and it’s been proven that the federal government was aware that foreigners were flooding black ghettos with crack.

I am not so diluted in the blame the white man game that I do not understand personal responsibility… because I do. However, a simple I’m sorry will not do. There is still so much to be done and the words I’m sorry doesn’t begin to mend all that is broken. I am not sure if I support reparations. But I do support things like more social services in black communities or companies that benefited from slavery offering scholarship programs specifically for African Americans. Don’t tell me your sorry……show me you’re sorry.


We were promised 40 acres and a mule, but today blacks (and Latinos) are the primary people affected by the mortgage meltdown. I hope one day this country can heal from all the affects of slavery and maybe saying sorry is the step in the right direction. I just hope that it transcends more than just an apology.

Bon Voyage Fallopian Tubes Pt 2

Although I respected Dr. Kumar I could not accept this information as truth. How could this be, I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I’m a little over weight but I am healthy. I decided that it was a fluke there was no way I was deemed infertile. My heavy bleeding continued, but I lived with it because I did not want to think about blocked tubes and scar tissue.

A few months after seeing Dr. Kumar, my job transferred me back home. The heavy cramps became unbearable and the blood clots were getting bigger and bigger. I thought it was a good time to go back and see Dr. Thomas. I trusted Dr. Thomas; he always seemed to know what to do and what steps to take. Also he was spiritual and comforting, but I decided to keep my previous diagnosis to myself.

I told Dr. Thomas about my bleeding, cramps and blood clots. He recommends the vaginal ultra sound……again. I reluctantly agreed but prayed he would find something different than Dr. Kumar. I feverishly prayed for a miracle. However, that was not the case. The next week Dr Thomas pulled me into his office and explained that I had an extremely bad case of endometriosis.

If you are not familiar with endometriosis please visit http://www.4woman.gov/faq/endomet.htm

He verified that my tubes were blocked, one of ovaries had a cyst and that my uterus had a lot of scar tissue around it. Because he had already performed laparoscopic surgery four years prior he felt another procedure was needed. With great regret he recommended the removal of my tubes, the ovary, and a DNC to remove all the scar tissue. However, he wanted me to be prepared for a full hysterectomy if he found damage to the uterus.


I signed the papers consenting to surgery but I felt numb the entire time. I kept wondering why my body turned on me. Did I do something wrong and would men look at me as a whole woman? All of my friends have kids…. Heck even my baby sister have kids (we are 10 years apart). God I really did not want to deal with it.

I finally broke the news to my mama. She took it kind of hard at first. I did not realize how she was looking forward to me having kids. But my mother is a cervical cancer survivor and had a hysterectomy 12 years earlier so she was very supportive. I had the surgery on April 22nd, 2008. There was no hysterectomy, but the tubes and ovary was removed. I’ve accepted that I will not have children in the traditional way and know that it has no bearing on my womanhood.

I decided to tell my story because there are so many women suffering with issues of fibroids and endometriosis, that results in infertility. Many of us suffer in silence because we are ashamed to let people know what we are going through. This affects millions of women but affect Black women in larger numbers. If you notice blood clots, severe cramping and excessive bleeding during your menstrual cycle please bring it to the attention of your doctor. I ignored the signs for years. I thought my cramps were just a normal occurrence and never knew the difference between a cramp and a severe cramp. I waited too late to … but I hope this will prevent others from experiencing my misfortune.

I am not down or upset anymore. Thankfully I’ve moved on. Life is still a beautiful thing, even with its ups and down. Nobody ever promised all rainbows and sunshine.