Mommy or Not........ A Very Hard Decision

I feel so relaxed and refreshed I should go on vacation more often. I spent 5 glorious days in NOLA and I had a blast. It was relaxing, exciting, fun and educational. But even with all that relaxation I still have something laying heavily on my mind.



A few years ago I decided that I wanted a baby and adoption was my best option. Last year I began to look into the process and evaluate different agencies. I found one I liked and decided to explore it further. I looked at adoption DVD’s, read brochures and spoke to several representatives. I was deflated when I found out the adopt cost would run me between 20,000- 30,000. Of course I don’t have that type of “spare” change lying around so I just gave up on the idea of adoption. At the time I wasn’t upset, I just felt that maybe I was made to be a super Auntie.

So I surrendered to the idea of not being a mommy and decided to live MY best life. Then out of now where a family member asked me to adopt their unborn child. She said that she could not take care of it properly and was putting it up for adoption but she knew at one point I really wanted a child. I told her I would think about it and get back with her later. Well that was 3 months ago, last week she called to tell me she was 7 months and she really needed me to make a decision because she could make other arrangements for the child. I asked for another week to think about it. Let me just tell you that this is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made!


Part of me is so scared of being totally responsible for another human being. What if the child turns out be a crack head or serial killer! What if I am not a good parent, what if I can’t afford everything the child needs, what if I work too much? I’m still in school how can I manage that with a new born? Can I really afford a child……what about daycare, isn’t that expensive?

Then I think, a baby would bring so much joy in your life. It would make this house a home. I could really leave my finger print on the life of child. My life would become much broader and my heart will experience a love like no other. These thoughts make me excited.

But then the negative thoughts come up. You are too busy for a baby, you barely have time to sleep now, you don’t make enough money for a baby. I just keep tethering back and forth. I have prayed and I am still unsure what to do. I have to let her know something by this weekend and I just don’t know what to do. I guess I will keep praying and try to make the best decision possible.

I am just so flabbergasted because last year adoption was all I could think about; now that I have a chance to do it I’m acting all scared. I wonder why this is happening. Well I’ll let y”all know my decision either way.

When Mental Illness Come Knocking At Your Door

Calling people crazy in my family is like saying pass the peas please. It is an epithet used to describe a drunken uncle, the auntie with a bad attitude and the cousin who has to smoke a blunt before family event. We call each other crazy so much that it has lost its meaning. However we have two people in our family that suffer from real mental illnesses and we choose to remain silent and call them crazy under our breath. One of my Aunts has suffered from severe paranoia since I was a little kid. I would ask my Mama why Auntie La always says people are out to get the family and insist that we never talk about her or our family to anyone because it could be harm to all of us. My Mama would take a deep puff off her Kool 100’s and say ……girl you know your Auntie elevator don’t go all the way to top, don’t pay her no attention.

For years my family ignored that my Aunt and her extreme paranoia … almost dismissing it like it was a simple cold. But, we all now just because you ignore a problem it does not go away, in many cases the problem manifest itself into another problem, which is exactly what has happened in my family. One day Auntie La daughter (my cousin) Kaye showed up to my house looking frighten to death. She had been driving for two days straight from Arizona to Missouri she was convinced someone was after her and she was scared to death. After she calmed down enough to get a good sleep I asked her to tell me what happened. She told me she lost her job and suffered many indignities because certain people were trying to destroy her and her reputation. Kaye insisted that I watch what I talk about on the telephone and be careful when I am alone because these people would probably be tapping her family member’s phones and following us around. Honestly I just laughed it off and told her she could stay as long as she needed to.

As she began to tell other family members the story she told me they laughed as well and thought nothing more about it. Well that was over six years ago and cousin Kaye is now suffering from what we believe is schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. My cousin has lost over 10 jobs, 4 apartments, 3 cars, her dignity and pride. She hears voices, feels like needles are sticking her all over her body and feels tormented all day and night. Most of my family has accepted the fact that my cousin needs psychiatric help but others still refuse to believe that she is on the verge of a mental break down. I spoke with Aunt La to ask her to help me get her daughter some help; she told me “ain’t nothing wrong with Kaye, she my daughter I should know.” Given the fact that she suffers from paranoia it is very unlikely that she would see that her daughter has a mental illness. My cousin is living with me again because she lost her apartment and job and the other night she slept with a pot on her head to keep the needles from sticking her in the head. She cries a lot because she hears voices that demean her and tell her that her life will never get better, she told me she feels like the voices want her to commit suicide but she won’t do it.


I spoke with my Uncle and he started to get an injunction to have her committed. Her mother and my other aunts went into a raged filled fit and threaten to get an attorney to block him from having her committed. It really pitted family against family, but I watch my cousin suffer daily from this illness. She doesn’t want to stay with her mother for reasons I do not know, she says she only feel halfway calm with me. But I don’t know what do? I am going to try one last effort to get my cousin to help but I feel like I am running out of options. I don’t want my cousin to hurt herself or anyone else.

My question is why do black people seem to deny metal illness? Why do we look at these sort of things as

35... Are You Serious?

Do I look like I am about to turn 35! I am having the birthday blues and my birthday is less than two months away. Turning 35 should be a reason to celebrate but I feel old. Part of me is happy to see 35 because so many people don’t get a chance, but the other part of me ask what the hell have you been doing for 35 years. I am not happy with my job, I would like to be on more solid ground financially, I am still working on self esteem issues, and I am always working on losing weight. Basically I am not satisfied with myself and I am always finding some way to improve myself. I wonder if this is a lifetime thing.


On a positive note, I got my Essence magazine a few weeks ago and they listed tips on how to further your career. Normally I would look at these things and think how I could integrate them into my life. This time I just glanced at the tips and grunted. I did not create a list of things to buy, ways to improve or even equate it with my life. For me this is a HUGE accomplishment, I use to always look for ways to reinvent myself like the black successful women in the magazine. Well guess what world…. I am not the frigging woman in the magazine….. I am me. Trust me there is no lack of ambition in my life…however if I am going to succeed it will be because of me, not some stupid tip I got out of a magazine.

By now I thought I would have a husband and a few kids. I have neither; I must admit I want the kids more than the husband. I have not found someone that I want to spend the REST of my life with. I am not ashamed of that, I feel it is better to live happily with yourself than to get tied down with someone you don’t really care for. Better yet someone you are trying to create into a better man for you, this seems to be more of the case for me.


But this 35 thing is so bothersome. Hell I remember being 17, 21 and 25 so vividly. Actually it seemed like yesterday and now I feel like the old lady. Since when did I get so concerned about investments, 401k, life insurance and other old folks things.


Now my body requires sleep and will take it if I don’t give it. Just last week I was up studying later than normal, I got about 3.5 hours of sleep. Mannnnnnn I fell asleep at work. I was looking at the computer and the next thing I know my co-worker was shaking me telling me to wake up before I get in trouble.

Things hurt when I get out of bed. To lessen the hurt I am required to stretch. People get on my nerves so quick, my patience is completely gone. I hate to argue it gives me a headache, but I can not tolerance for disrespect. I have gotten into more arguments in the last few years about men disrespecting women then ever.

Oh by the way when did I become a feminist and practice philanthropy. Your priorities sure change with age, don’t they. I just hope I don’t have the blues on December 5th like I did when I turned 30. I sure hope this is just a passing fad

The Cry Heard Around The World

I’ve finally completed my Chemistry class only to find out that I got a D in the class. Trust me when I tell you I cried like a new born baby when I found out that I had a D. I worked so hard in that class that it felt like I was giving it my call and I deserved at least a C. But honestly I could not remember and regurgitate all the things I learned when it came time for the test. There were times when I would literally have brain freeze. Most of my summer was spent at work, class, and studying. I haven’t attended a chemistry class since 1991, I don’t know what the hell made me think I could take an accelerated chemistry class and pass! I guess I was overconfident, but I really thought I could do it.

Tests were every Tuesday and we covered 2-3 chapters a day. So the test could easily cover 8 chapters and went on for 6 weeks. My problem was I never had time to really let the stuff sink in my brain. The class was Mon-Thurs, 6:00pm-9:20pm and because the class was only 6 weeks the teacher could not spend a great deal of time finely explaining every concept. I tried I really did. But a D was all I could muster.

I cried and even thought about reconsidering going back to school, heck I do have a master’s degree in Human Resources! I called myself dumb, stupid, comprehension smart and conceptually illiterate! Yes I beat myself up.


Then it happened………..God intervened. I went to do some job shadowing at a water treatment facility and was introduced “by chance” to the environmental compliance manager was introduced to me. We chatted pretty easily and I told him I was interested in becoming a civil engineer with an emphasis in environmental sciences. His face lit up and he told me he just finished up his master’s degree with that exact degree. Then I told him about the D situation and how I was starting to question if that was the path for me. He said, “Don’t sweat it……the classes are very hard, and I was no straight A student myself.” He admitted that he really struggled with it because he had no experience with science but he got through it and eventually began to understand it. And as a matter of fact he would be teaching chemistry at one of the junior colleges next year.

He made me feel…normal. I did not feel so stupid anymore, not all scientists were geniuses! With a little patience, studying and non accelerated pace I had a chance at success. So needless to say I will be back in chemistry this fall.

Staying Strong For Granny

My grandmother had a stroke recently and it really has left me in a daze. It seems like I am having a hard time accepting that she is getting older, weaker and more dependant on her children and grandchildren. My grandmother never seemed to age….she is 78 and still does not have one wrinkle! Not even crow’s feet under her eyes. In my eyes she has always been strong, sassy, independent and a fierce fighter for her family.



My Granny does not believe in letting grass grow under her feet. She still worked full time until she had her stroke. She said retirement was not for her…old folks retire and activity was good for the body and brain. So as long as she felt up to it her children (as if they had any say) continued to let her work.


Granny is a country woman born in Yazoo, Mississippi did not believe in going to the doctor. Shoot I’ve seen my grandma “cure” ailments a million times. Got a cold, granny can take some lemon, herbs, cognac and other ingredients and make some “cough syrup” we called a hot toddie. Man… that toddie had you feeling better in within a matter of hours. I’ll never forget the time she “cured” my cousin Lil Mike of asthma! Lil Mike kept having asthma attacks and she was tired of seeing those doctors push large does of medicines and steroids on her great- grandbaby. She called down to Yazoo, got the recipe from her Auntie and she was giving Lil Mike her version of a breathing treatment. It has been years since Lil Mike (who is not so little any more)

But now that Granny is sick who can “cure” the effects of her strokes. Could it be the doctors at the hospital, the pharmaceutical companies, the rehabilitation therapist or her magic herbs and potions? I’m not really sure but I am praying that we find a way to get her back to her old self as soon as possible.

Having to watch my Granny try to talk with slurred speech was heart breaking. It was painful to ask her to repeat herself so many time before my brain finally picked up on what she was trying to say. Her speech pattern is very abnormal and it frustrates her that people have to lean in close to her and really concentrate on what she is trying to say. It has gotten to the point that Granny does not like to talk because she hates that her family and friends can’t always understand what she is trying to say.

I was asked by the nurse if I would like to feed my Granny lunch! The nurse had so much enthusiasm in her voice when she asked me that question, but to be it was just another sign that my Granny was losing more of her independency. Part of me wanted to say no….my Granny is capable of feeding herself she is not a damn baby. But then I looked at her in the bed looking frailer and weaker than I’ve ever seen her in my life and gave the nurse a faint smile while nodding yes.


Shortly after her meal Granny feel asleep and I just kept looking at her praying and hoping that this was not the beginning of the end. I know that if my Granny does not get better anytime soon she will stop fighting for her recovery, she detest being an invalid that much. She is used to being the caretaker not the ill person.

But as difficult as it is to watch her deal with her health problems, I consider it an honor to feed her and help her through these trying moments. I am just having a hard time dealing with the fact that she may not ever be as strong as she used to be.

Pressing My Way Through

Hey Friends and Family,

Yesterday I was in one of those fucked up moods. I tried to fight it all day, but the urge to slap the shit out of someone just keep coming up to the surface. I admit it I am a woman filled with contradictions one minute I can be cussing and the next minute you may catch me in the corner with my eyes closed saying a lil prayer. I’ve tried to change but what can I say…it is what it is.


Anyhow this urge to slap the shit outta someone started last Saturday. Man it rained like cats and dogs and the tornado horns when off and directed everyone to go to the basement. I went to the basement as directed and once I felt it was safe I came back up to find that water was leaking from the light fixtures of my home.

My pisstivity level went up a notch or two. Let me refresh y’all memory, the seller of my home told me I had a new roof and all the supporting documents I have on the home says the roof is new. Long story short I filed a claim to sue the seller. Once she realized that I was in the process of suing her she decided to call me. This heifer begged me to work it outside the courtroom. Me….being the nice, considerate, compassionate and down to earth sistah that I am was cool with handling this issue like grown women. Home girl kept saying she was getting estimates and that someone would call me. Then she would say that she would have some one over to deliver the bid to me so I can go over it. I would press her more then she would say that the contractor would start on the house next week. Well that bullshit when on for over a month. Once the court date went by I never heard from that heifer again.

See when some people look at me or speak to me they think I am one polished and refined lady. What they don’t know is underneath that sophistication is straight hood! I’m like Colt 45…..Don’t let the smooth taste fool ya!

I decided that I needed to take care of my roof and handle old girl later. Needless to say I will be short a few grand so I can get my roof replaced. For her sake I hope she don’t think this is over, if anything this is just the beginning. I am done talking and playing Mrs. Nice Girl, the gloves are coming off.

Today I feel a little better but not by much. Then the job situation is getting on my last nerve. The entire department is sitting around looking at each other all day wondering when something is going to go down. But, the boss is still saying everything is going to be okay and no job losses will occur, work should start to pick up next week. So until then I guess I have to keep sharing natural hair tips with my co-workers and surfing the internet for gossip.

My life seems so complicated right now… I am just trying to stay focus and concentrate only on the things I can fix. I try to ignore the rest but it is extremely hard to do. This is one of those times I need to remember the serenity prayer and it keep pushing.

Change Is The Only Thing That Is Constant

My life is headed in so many directions I don’t know what to do. It’s funny that as I get older, I get more controlling. If I had it my way I could be in control of every aspect of my life. But who am I kidding………. I simply do not have the power to control everything that directly affects me.


My job is becoming a major issue in my life. My department was told in late February that our job duties were being reassigned. However, we were told not worry because there would be no loss in jobs. My co-workers and I were reassured that we would be given other duties and we could rest assured that our jobs were not in jeopardy. I was asked to write the training manual the employees that would be taking over my department. My other co-workers created other training materials to assist with the transition of work. The transition took affect on Monday, April 5, 2010. That week my department helped with any questions and hiccups that came along. Although we were pissed off, we plastered smiles on our face and threw ourselves into the transition. Once the transition was completed our phones stop ringing, emails stopped coming in, and work pretty much dried up. The “new” project that we were promised never came in. Now it is April 16, 2010 and this is the second week of total boredom at the job. Imagine coming into work and doing absolutely nothing, searching the gossip sites, taking on the phone with family and friends and talking to your co-workers. It’s cool for the first 2-3 days then after that it’s like WTF. My co-workers and I are now afraid that something negative my happen. Who wants an entire department coming to work and twiddling their thumbs? We are afraid of for our jobs, my boss assures me that there will be no loss of jobs. Is this supposed to make me feel secure?


I start school in June and I am looking forward to it. But I did not realize what a hassle it is to register. My God I wanted to scream in the advising office. I added my name it the list to see an advisor and it took forever! Once an Advisor called my name she wanted to discuss my issue while standing up in the front lobby. The lady seemed really rushed and never invited me back to her office. I told her that I needed her to override something in the system so I can register for Chemistry. She told me she would enroll me in the class and would print me out a schedule. She went into her office and came back with a schedule for me. I took it and went on about my merry way. Chile…. I was almost home, while waiting at the stop light my excitement about school got the best of me and I looked at my schedule with a feeling of pride. Then I noticed that I was enrolled in the wrong class, my blood pressure shot through the roof! This lady was in such a rush that she placed me in the wrong class. The next day I called the school with fire in my voice; thankfully a wonderful lady was able to calm me down and was very helpful.


I decided that I was not comfortable with the rates of pregnancy with IVF, so I would like to adopt. This can be a tedious process and a long process too, but this is something that I am willing to endure. I’ve selected an agency and have begun the process. I figure if it’s God’s will it will all work out.


When I was in high school I had my life planned out.


By age 25 have a masters degree…………… Check
By age 26 own a home……………………….Check
By age 30 own my own consulting business……….Fail
By age 32 get married……………………………….Fail
By age 33 me and my husband will have a combined income of over 1mil………..Epic Fail
By age 34 have a baby……………………………….Fail
By age 40 own several rental properties……………………..Jury Still Out
By age 50 retire and purchase the newest Jaguar………………………………………………..Based on current economic situation this may be a fail too


I recall hearing nothing is constant in life except change. Well guess what y’all, life has taught me to be very flexible. Life can come at you hard and fast but its best just to keep prayerful and keep it moving. Change what you can and accept what you can’t

Who Needs Cable?

A lot of people are surprised when I tell them I only have one television and I don’t have cable. I have never understood why people feel the need to have a television in every room in their house. Do you really need to fry your chicken and watch television at the same time?

I also feel that the cable company prices are too high…. and personally I can not afford them. In most cases you need HD, broad band and the good movie and sports channels, this will run you about 120.00-150.00 per month. I am at work at least 40 hours a week plus the 45 minutes it takes me to get back and forth. Needless, to say I spend more time at work than I do at home so I can not financially justify spending money on cable.

Now back in the day when the rates were affordable and I actually looked forward to the shows coming on HBO ( Def Comedy Jam) things were fine. But now days they show the same thing over and over and over again. I do use Netflix for times when there is absolutely nothing to be found on regular television. But honestly I do not miss cable, I thought I would but I do not. Trust me………there is some great shows that come on regular television. But I am not the only one giving up on cable.

According to an article on yahoo.com thousand are cutting the cable cord



Nearly 800,000 households in the U.S. have "cut the cord," dumping their cable, satellite, or telco TV providers (such as AT&T U-verse or Verizon FiOS) and turning instead to Web-based videos (like Hulu), downloadable shows (iTunes), by-mail subscription services (Netflix), or even good ol' over-the-air antennas for their favorite shows, according to the report.

Now, as TechCrunch points out, the estimated 800,000 cord cutters represent less than 1 percent of the 100 million U.S. households (give or take) currently subscribing to a cable/satellite/telco TV carrier, so it's not like we're talking a mass exodus here. But by the end of 2011, the report guesstimates, the number of cord-cutting households in the U.S. will double to about 1.6 million, and if the trend continues, well...

Even more trouble for the big carriers is the report's assertion that U.S. TV watchers are getting a taste for online video, with an estimated 17 percent of the U.S. TV audience watching at least one or two shows online in a given week last year, up from just 12 percent in 2008, and set to rise to 21 percent this year.

Calling All Nice White Couples: My Neighborhood Needs You

This summer is going to a mess, I can feel it. Well St. Louis is no stranger to violence but every summer I hope that peace will come. So far, peace is absent and the ruckus is about to start. Two weeks ago a lovely white couple rented the home next door to me. I made sure I met the wife and took the time to introduce myself. The wife seemed happy with the home and said she was accustomed to living in an urban area. I was just happy to have a nice couple living next door to me. Things were going well and the neighbors seemed to be happy with the surroundings, then it happened. Three nights after they moved in there was gun fire. I am not sure if someone got hit or not, but I am certain that I heard 5-6 gun shots. I immediately called the police and prayed that the neighbors would not be discouraged by the idiots in the neighborhood.


Unfortunately, the couple next door was unable to hang, they moved out the next week. I was so upset, the losers won. The neighborhood lost two productive citizens to the threat of violence. I knew that I was not moving to suburbia when I decided to move in the city, but I do not want to live among gang violence and shoot outs. I plan to do everything I can to curb the violence and keep the police on the block. I live in a very racially mixed area and we all seem to get along, but we can not allow a few assholes to ruin our neighborhoods.

Last week there was a car parked in front of my house. The first day I was okay with it and went on about my business. Then the second day I came home the same car was parked outside and I started to get a bit agitated. The third day a car was parked in front of my home I was totally pissed. I called the police and told them that a car with expired temporary tags had been sitting in front of my home for three days. Next thing I knew the car had been towed…..much to my delight.


We have to start fighting for our neighborhoods instead of moving away all the time. The reason the suburbs are so nice is because they do not tolerate things that make the neighborhood appeal and value go down. Why can’t it be that way in the city too?


It’s sad to say but I need a few more white people in my neighborhood. It seems like when they come in the mayor notice and suddenly it feels like magic pixie dust has been sprinkled on the streets. You’ll start to see more police patrolling the area, littering will come to a complete halt, loiters will no longer be tolerated and bad tenants will not be able to renew their leases. The best part would be the rise in my property value. I need to find a few more white folks to move on my street ASAP.

Failure Does Not Look Good On Me 2

I admit my attendance was not the greatest but when I was in history classes I always shinned. One day I came to history class after missing several days and there was a quiz. Although I did not study and did not know we had a quiz I passed the quiz with flying colors. The teacher pulled a friend of mine (who happened to be an honor roll student) and told her that if she let me cheat off her paper again that he would give her an F. She started panicking with tears in her eyes saying she did not give me the answers. Contrary to her pleas he did not believe her and told her if I continued to succeed he would not pass her. So to challenge him I asked to be moved to the front of the class near his desk to prove to him that I was not cheating. My junior year I was in another history class that bored me to death. I would take my daily naps in this class because the teacher had a speech impediment and it was hard to listen to him talk. One day he woke me up from my nap and asked me “What year did the civil war start?” I sleepily responded, “1861, dang is that all you woke me up for?” I plopped my head down and went back to sleep. I never had another problem with that teacher again.


Finally in my senior year the board of education decided to combine our school with another school to save money. Although we were in a new building and a few new teachers, the separatist education continued. My advisor suggested that I join the military because she highly doubted that I would be accepted into any college with my low grade point average. I wanted to spit in that heifers face, instead I just looked her in the eye and said, “No thank you, I will be attending college.” I went to college and obtained my degree but I was scared of failure. I was ruled by this fear and it caused me to pick a major that I knew that I could easily pass. Business classes were easy to me and did not require me to use a great deal of brain power. So without little thought I choose business administration as my major. No I did not get all straight A’s but I did well enough to walk across the stage. Shortly after getting my BA I decided that I wanted a master’s degree. I started out wanting a degree in procurement, this proved to be more challenging than I initially thought. I got scared that I would fail and changed my major to human resources. Again ruled by fear, I made a decision that was not based on logic and good thinking. But guess what… I passed all my classes and obtained another degree.


While I am happy that I was able to go against what some people thought of me and obtain two degrees, most of the time the degrees feel worthless. It did not feel like a major accomplishment. I guess anything done in ignorance and fear will produce less than desirable results.

Although I appreciate my job and I am fairly compensated I want something that is more challenging. I want something that requires me to use brain power and to really think. Going back to school was not an easy decision for me, but a necessary one. After careful thought and consideration I decided I wanted to be a civil engineer. I know that it requires a lot of math and science but I am putting fear aside and trying something that requires me to think!

This time I am saying to myself ‘No more doubt, no more just getting by, you can do it”.

I read a quote by Rachel Carson that said:

“The road we have long been traveling is deceptively easy, a smooth superhighway on which we progress with great speed, but at its end lies disaster. The other fork of the road / the one less traveled / offers our last, our only chance to reach a destination that assures preservation.”

This is the way I feel about what I am trying to accomplish. It will certainly be hard, but it will be a well fought victory and the prize will be sweet.


I just want to take a moment and say fight for your children education. Make sure that the staff is giving them a equal shot at success. If you find that your child is not getting the education they deserve make your thoughts known and keep raising hell until someone listens.

Failure Does Not Look Good On Me 1

This summer I start school, I will be taking my pre-engineering classes in hopes of one day becoming a civil engineer. This is my 3rd time going back to school, but this time is different. This time it feels like a challenge, this time I know I will have to fight tooth and nail to accomplish this goal. Although I have a master’s degree, this degree will mean more to me than the first two.


Let me explain. I did not do exceptionally well in high school. I did enough to pass and get by, but I certainly did not win any accolades for being a great student. I accepted D’s, was happy with a C, excited with a B, elated with an A, but the A’s were few and far between. I lived with my aunt and she worked a lot and did not really focus too much on me academically. As long as I went to school and did not become pregnant she thought I was a wonderful kid, talk about low expectations.

Then there was the school I attended, it focused solely on academics. The name of my high school was Center for Management, Law and Public Policy. The school focused on grooming the managers, lawyers and politicians of the future. The school was small….very small, we had about 500 students. There was little to no pressure to fit in, the teachers and administration knew all the students personally and all the students were expected to go to college.

Of course it is very rare that 100% of students at any given school would get into college, but that was the expectation. If students did not show a high aptitude in learning they were left behind. The tutoring programs were directed at students that were at risk losing their 4.0-3.0 grade point average. Yes tutoring was only for the smart kids; you had to have a high enough GPA to qualify for tutoring! Although we did not offer special education classes if students GPA dropped below a 3.0, they were placed in “slower paced” classes. I was placed in two “slower paced/less intense” classes, the first was Civics and the second was English. I loved both teachers, Ms. Smith and Ms Parker were both awesome teachers, they made their students feel wanted and often offered great advise. However, they did not demand much from me. I was able to talk as much as I wanted and lectures were short and to the point. The work was easy and required only that you could read with comprehension. Needless to say I did not feel challenged but I was passing.

I spent two years of my four year high school years going to summer school. Because I did not qualify for tutoring I had to go to summer school for the classes that I did not pass. All of my high school friends were honor roll students and were treated like royalty by the teachers. Me…..I was accepted but looked down on. I always excelled in history due to my love for reading. This was my secret passion I loved history and loved to read anything that kept my attention. I could excel in history without trying.

My Infertility Dilemma

My struggle with infertility as been a quite struggle. At times I’m aggravated and upset with my inability to naturally conceive. There are times when I feel alone and like a leper. Women were placed on this earth to be fruitful…..right? When I initially found out I was infertile I felt robbed. I felt like my choice had been made for me and I no say so about it. I felt I had all the time in the world to think about starting a family, until I was told that I could not have children the traditional way. Initially I was ashamed; I did not want people to know. I had accomplished so much yet I could not do this basic thing. My crack head cousin has birth 7 children and I can have one! It was very traumatic and I refused to believe it was true. By the time the third doctor informed me that I was unable to conceive naturally, I had no choice but to believe it was true. I joined support groups, cried for days and felt like staying in bed all day. Then like decided the world was not gonna end because I could not have a baby. I picked myself up and decided to keep pushing. Aint no point in crying over spilled milk.



And honestly, there are times that I am thankful that I do not have any children. I love to travel, I love to jump up and leave when I get ready, I love to spend money on frivolous things and at times I can be pretty selfish. I am pretty sure these are not favorable motherly traits.

I don’t concentrate on my inability to have children very much, but every time I hear that some one is pregnant it reminds me I am unable to bear children. I often wonder who will take care of me when I am older. Will I be an old lady with a million cats? LOL. Seriously… I doubt it!

The word no is a foreign concept to me. I am the type of person that looks for answers. If no answers can be found… then so be it, but you won’t be able to say I did not try. Currently I am looking into in vitro fertilization (IVF) or adoption. My sister agreed to be a surrogate for me if I needed it and two of my girlfriends agreed to give me eggs. What love my sister and friends must have for me to help me have a baby! I am carefully considering IFV, but the cost is no joke. It takes some serious dough to have a test tube baby.



The average IVF cost is $12,000, but it can be as much as $15,000. It may be as low as $10,000, but it’s rarely lower than that. These prices are for one cycle of IVF. The prices are enough to make me scratch me head and ask myself is this something you really want. I am amazed that the procedure is so costly and 99.9% is not covered by my insurance company.


I’ve decided to get as much information as I can and to speak to as many good doctors that will give me their time and pray on it. I’ve been a firm believer of what will be….will be. This is an issue that I must consult with God. He has to give me the go ahead, because without his blessing this could be a big waste of time and money. And let’s face it baby or no baby a sistah needs all the money she can get…for real.


Right now I am purely just seeking information. I am trying to understand if I really want kids, or do I want kids because I can not have kids. I am young right now and at times I feel that children are not necessary but what about when I am old, will I regret that I never made an attempt to have children? I don’t know the answer to that question just yet.

Not Ready For Mommiehood

The little Prince at the top is my new nephew Dreyden. Isn’t he soooo sweet and gorgeous. He is so small but when you hold him close he is super soft and smell like baby. Well this little one caused me to want to jump out a window and set myself on fire at the same time!


You may ask yourself how someone so little and beautiful could make you cause bodily harm to yourself. Well I can sum that up in two words…. Darius ( nephew # 1) and Derrick ( nephew # 2) ( see their pics below). Yeah they look innocent too until it is time to baby sit.







I had to watch these two while my sister when into the hospital to have Baby Dre. LLLLLLLLLLLLord have mercy. It was a time. I worked 15 hours of overtime that week and worked 7 days straight. I picked up the kids on my 7th day of working without a day off. Needless to say I was bone tired and not in the mood for not freaking kids. I picked the kids up around 8:30 pm and hoped they were fed and tired and ready to go to bed when they got to my place. NOT! They were bouncing off the wall and I was dying to go to bed. I gave them a bath and a snack and begged them to go to sleep. Finally everyone was in bed by 10:30pm.

RING>>>>RING>>>>RING…. That ringing was my alarm going off at 7:00am it was time to get up and get Darius ready for school. Got damn the boy pissed in the bed and smelled like hot pee. So another bath was needed and now we are late. I throw my coat over my pjs and tell my 3 year old nephew to but on his shoes and coat. He kept whining because he had on his pjs too and wanted to get dressed. I gave him the dreaded evil eye and he shut right up. Me and the kids drove all the way across town and dropped Darius off to school. Never mind the fact we were late and I had to walk him to his class. Other teachers gave me the poor you look when they saw me in my head scarf and pjs and toting a toddler in his pjs too.

I drove home thinking me and nephew # 2 would get some breakfast from McDonalds and take a nap until noon. Did ht happen that way….HELL NAW. Nephew ate his pancakes and was ready to play and watch Sesame Street. The poor chile kept asking me for paper and crayons so he could do his “homework”. Before I knew it, it was time to pick up nephew #1. I picked him up and he was talking the entire way home. I thought it would be a good idea to take them to the park and tire them out before we went home. They played at the park almost 3 hours and I still had to drag them to the car. I got home and started preparing dinner and helped nephew # 1 with his homework. They ate, took a bath and watched television for a few hours and I put them to bed at 7:00pm Yeah I know it was early but I had not choice I was running on fumes I was still so sleepy.


I told them that they better get in the bed and do not get out unless they had to pee. I also told them if anyone pees on my good mattress tonight they would wake up to a good azz whooping. Of course they talked and giggled for about 30 minutes but they eventually drifted off to sleep. I had to watch dishes, clean up the house and take a shower. Finally some me time. I sat down to watch the news and next thing I know. RING, RING, RING…yes it was my alarm telling me it was time to get up and get nephew #1 off to school.

The last thing I remember was watching the news and it’s a new day all ready? Got the kids up and no one peed so we could jump right into the day. Nephew #1 made sure to remind me to get him a snack today because I forgot it the day before. We picked up the snack and dropped him off ( please tell me why the pick up and drop off line for elementary kids are so long?) My sister had already given birth and nephew #1 was dying to see his Mommie and new brother. So we go to the hospital and find a parking spot. We parked pretty far away so the walk was very challenging with a slow walking 3 year old. We finally make our way to the 9th floor only to be told that due to the swine flu epidemic kids under the age of 18 were not allowed to visit the hospital. The poor nurse allowed me to speak to my sister via the phone who told me she was sorry but she forgot to tell me the kids could not visit. However, she left her house a mess and she did not want to bring the baby home to a messy house……she asked me to clean up a lil bit. So the nurse sent out the key and off we went to straighten up the house.

I opened the door and wanted to run back out. The kitchen had standing dish water and dishes inside the sink, the bath room could use a good wash down, the kids room was a mess, her bed was messy and a few things sprawled about, the living room needed dusting and the entire place needed vacuumed. I was cleaning for 5 hours…next thing I know it was time to pick up nephew # 1. Since I still had a little cleaning to do I bought McDonalds and took them to their house while I did more cleaning. Finally exhausted and completely tired we traveled back across town to my house.

I went to bed super excited because I knew this was my last night with the kids. I bathe them and let them watch a few hours of television and we did homework and off to bed they went. I again reminded them of the consequences of peeing on my good mattress. My house was a total wreck… toys everywhere, books, papers and crayons scattered on the floor and couch. Pop tart and fruit snack wrappers here and there but I was too tired to think about cleaning my own house.

That morning the alarm went off and I jump straight up I checked the bed and realized nephew #1 had peed in the bed again. I ran the bath water and told him to get up. I calmly asked if he had pissed in the bed. He simply shook his head. I told him to take off his clothes and I would be right back. I went and got my belt and I came back into the room and he was naked looking for his school uniform which I usually lay on the bed in the morning. He almost went onto cardiac arrest when he saw the belt… I have him a few smacks on the butt and told him to get into the tub. The room smelled like a toilet. The aroma of pee was heavy in the air. I got the kids ready and dropped nephew # 1 off to school. I had an early doctor’s appointment so I was forced to take nephew# 2 with me. We were leaving the house and I had my hands filled with things for the new baby and I opened the door to let him out first so I could lock the door. As soon as I opened the door he bolted out the house and down the stairs. I screamed at the top of my lungs…don’t run into the street. Guess what………..he did. I then heard a screeching sound of car tires. I dropped the bags and ran into the street. At that moment I felt like the worst would be parent in the world. All eyes were on me… the bad Auntie that almost got nephew #2 killed.


Finally that night I dropped the kids off to their mama. I was so in a rush to get home I barely glanced at new nephew #3. I just was ready to go home, relax and enjoy a glass of wine in my messy house. Well the next day my sister called me frantic. She said nephew #2 had to be hospitalized because he came down with a very high fever and was diagnosed with H1N1 aka “The Swine Flu”. She said could you be with him in the hospital because I can not be exposed to the flu and go home to the baby.

Could it get any worse! After three days he was discharged and allowed to go home. By the end of the week I was exhausted and began to wonder if I was cut out for the motherhood thang. All these years I wondered when was I going to have a little one running around the house? I even imagined what my baby shower would be…that was until I had a week of kids? Honnnay I serious doubt I wanna do the kid thing. I had more appreciation for my single non kid life than ever. She being a mother is HARD work…. I’m lazy yall and it was way too much to me.


But I tip my hat to all the mothers because it is truly one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever attempted to encounter.

Hair We Go…..Again.

As most of you know I wear my hair loc’ed. However, there was a point in my life when locing was not an option. People I was addicted to weave. When I say addicted I mean I had to have it. I would obsess about getting my weave done more that I cared about paying my car note. Seriously.

Chile walking into the beauty supply to look at all the weaves made me high. I marveled at all the colors, textures, curly, kinky, straight, bone straight and wavy. I could look at the wall for hours. I just loved it. I would take my time and find the most perfect hair I could find and run out the door like I just copped a big ole eight ball of crack (lol). But if I wanted my hair to be super bad I had to make sure my relaxer was on point … if not I would need to pick up some Elasta QP or hopefully my stylist would have some of that Affirm. I may come out of the beauty supply $50.00- 75.00 lighter but I felt great.

Then I would go home and soak my head with conditioner and glue remover. I would pour half a bottle of conditioner on my head with about two bottles of glue remover. I placed a plastic bag or cap on my head for a few hours. This made the removal of the old hair much simpler. However, sometimes the glue would be real stubborn and I would have to tear off some of my real hair to remove the weave. Once the weave was totally out I would take a wide tooth comb and comb out all the glue. I always placed my weave in a pile once I removed it. I would often look at it like an old friend going on to college or the army and you’re sad to see them leave but hope the best for them.

The down side to the conditioner/weave removal process was the glue would get gummy and stick to everything in sight. If it got on your cloths you can forget it because it was never coming off. If it got on the carpet or walls it would be hell to get out. Needless, to say I had a weave removal uniform…. yes I did. I would wear this raggedy t-shirt with some bleached up jogging pants when I took out my weave. Once the glue and the hair were out I would wash and blow dry my hair.

It’s sad to admit but it was hard for me to look at myself in the mirror without my weave. To me the hair made me feel beautiful and seductive. Without the hair I felt like a bald head ugly girl that desperately needed the weave to feel whole again. I would quickly tie my hair up with a scarf and waited for the next day so I could let my stylist work her magic.


I would show up to the salon at my appointed time and waited with baited breath for her to get to me. But the wait was okay because I would pour over magazines looking for the perfect style to rock my new weave. Once I found the style I wanted I would hold on to that book for dear life. Then I would pull my weave out the pack and look at it, ran my fingers through it, and I totally loved the smell of a new pack of weave. After feeling it and smelling it I put it back in the bag and waited my turn.

Now once I’ve waited between 1-2 hours depending on how overbooked the stylist is I would get my turn to set in the seat. I handed her my book and said I want my hair like hers! Now the transformation began. This normally took about another 1-2 hours depending on how I was getting my hair. I loved to feel the cold glue press up against my scalp. Then I would feel the soft hair fall on my face……….I was in heaven. Then she would start cutting with the razor. As she got further in the process my excitement would be on full blast. She would go over each section with the flat iron. I love smelling the oil sheen and spritz sizzling on the hair as the hot flat irons made each strand of hair more perfect than before.

Finally reveal time… and the stylist turns me to the mirror and I can hear Stevie Wonder singing …Isn’t she lovely, isn’t she wonderful. I would inspect the hair and make sure that it was to my liking and if not ask the stylist to tweak some areas if needed. But when I left I was in full DIVA mode. Before I left I had to put on a little mascara and lip gloss.

In 24 hours I went from feeling like the ugly duckling in the mirror to a full beauty queen. This went on for 16 years until finally I got tired of wasting my money and feeling so damn insecure. I challenged myself to feel beautiful outside the confines of weaves and wigs. I took the scissors to my head and chopped off all the perm. I went to my loctian and said I want locs. Now trust me the locs was not love at first sight. Trust me I did not feel beautiful at all but I was determined to break myself from feeling ugly because something as stupid as hair. People would say little smart remarks or not say anything at all. I don’t think the first 2 months of me getting my locs no one said anything positive about my hair. It felt like it was me against the world, but I was determined to win. My family asked me questions like what are you doing with your hair, friends just did not say nothing or would tell me about someone else with short hair and how THEIR hair looked good. Indicating that mine did not look so good. I did just what Jay said in the song… I brushed the dirt off my shoulders and kept pushing. Now that I am 2 years into the locs people that were hating before say things like… man I wish I had the courage to do that or do I have to cut off all my hair or my favorite do they have loc extensions that I can wear until my hair grows out. I understand that everyone is not into the natural thang and I am fine with that. I am not one that will belittle a sistah for rocking a weave or relaxed hair. Do what makes you feel beautiful… but when your self esteem and worth is connected to hair then it is time to check yo self.

The Lost of Homocide

Losing a loved one to a homicide is different that losing someone to regular death. See a homicide seems personal it feels like a direct attack against you personally. After reading about the little boy named Derrion Albert that was beaten to death in Chicago, it brought up feelings I had about my own brother. My brother name was John and he was murdered July 16th 2003.

As I look at the picture of Derrion sister crying because the death of her brother that familiar pain rises to the surface. It’s a pain that is almost indescribable… imagine having open heart surgery with no anesthesia, now multiply that pain times 10. Yeah that is about it that is exactly how it feels. My brother was shot in the head and left dead in his vehicle. That day my Aunt kept calling me saying that a detective kept calling her saying she needed to get to the police station because John was in trouble. My Aunt asked if I would go get him but I told her that I had to visit my nephew in the hospital and since they called her she should go. When my Aunt got downtown to speak with the detective he told her that John was found shot in the head and he needed her to identify his body.

Shortly after she came from the corners office I stopped by her house to see what kind of trouble my brother had got into. As soon as I got into the door she said “John is dead” I could tell by her tone she was telling the truth. I lost it… I felt a numerous emotions hit me all at the same time. I was so hurt I could not talk for days. I just kept waiting for someone to tell me that they were playing a joke on me. I was grieving so hard yet I could not share what was going on with my closest friends because I could not talk about it. I just slept for 6 days until the day of the funeral.

The day of the funeral was really hard for me and I tried not to go but my family insisted that I attend. I felt like I was slowly going crazy and seeing his stiff dead body lying in a coffin would send me right over the edge. I never looked at my brother in the coffin. I left before the viewing for the sake of my sanity. At night I would cry because my brother died alone with no one he loved around him.

The grieving process for homicide victims can be hard. It took me almost 3 years before I did not cry everyday. I was close to my brother and it felt like half of me died when he left and I could not imagine living in this world without him being in it.

As I read Derrion story my heart broke. I immediately recognized the lost look in his sister’s eyes and the pain in his grandfather’s voice. As I watched the video of the gang members hitting him in the head with a rail road tie and jumping up and down on his skull I cringed. This honor roll student was being beat to death because he was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. He was not a gang member just an innocent bystander walking down the street when violence erupts and he gets caught in the crossfire.

The police have captured his killers and they are four young men between the ages of 16 and 19. They are being charged with 1st degree murder. Because the crime was captured on video I am sure they will be given lengthy sentences. When they took Derrion’s life they took their own as well. Life as they know it will never be the same. Some will be lucky if they get out by the time they are 36 years old.

Y’all I am so affected by homicide I cant even watch too much of shows like The First 48 or Crime 360. That type of stuff just gets into my spirit and I become overwhelmed. I feel like murder is being sensationalized and I don’t want be apart of that. I’ll save that topic for later.

The greatest commandment of all is to LOVE one another, we humans seem to have a hard time fulfilling that one.

What's Going On

Well my post have not been so frequent because things have been relatively quiet in my life (THANK THE LORD FOR SMALL FAVORS). I am working on getting a few things in my life in order and that can be a full time job in itself. After living with family for a few months it's time that I move on to greener pastures. Yes..... I've decided to purchase a home. My closing is next month and I can not wait to wake up and run to the bathroom naked! I can't wait to get a glass of water while waltzing around in my underwear and t-shirt. Hold up..........I get excited about using the bathroom with the door open. Peace of mind is priceless ain't it! We have some gorgeous old homes in Saint Louis and baby I got me one! I love crown molding... tall ceilings, tall windows and homes that are filled with charm and character. So when I went looking these are all the things that were on my check list........oh and a deep tub with jets and a rain head shower. I am excited about being a home owner again, soon I will be a landlord too. I need a second stream of income and I refuse to sell Mary Kay again so this was the best option for me.


I am also trying not to be so messy. Yes I can be messy at this. I can turn a perfectly good relationship unto a messy mess. I hate to admit it but I am a gossiper, Lord knows I am trying to stop but it is so hard. I have few friends that I can count on NO MATTER WHAT and that is something to be proud of. But it can become hard holding down meaningful relationships when you are constantly gossiping about people. It's a ugly side of me that I just do not like. God has put it on my heart to become a person of character and integrity. I would also like to open up and share my feeling more but that has become so hard for me. I didn't realize how closed up I was until a week or so ago. I hate sharing my feelings! But I am working on it all. I am simply a work in progress. There was a time when I wanted to make my life a facade but now I simply just want to live a beautiful life and bless those around me. I figure if I give love, happiness and joy it will be returned. Y'all pray for me cause this is surely a hard journey.

Making Changes

I’ve always loved rich chocolaty desserts and sleep. Yes, sleeping and eating any form of chocolate is what I consider a great time. When I was a kid I loved nap time at school and when Mama got tired of dealing with all the kids in the house and said, “Who’s ready to take a nap”, I was the first to raise my hand. As a kid I loved spending the night over my Auntie’s house because she would let me eat chocolate cake and brownies for dinner. Well all that sleeping and eating dessert has caught up with me...I’m officially overweight! In 2007 I joined Jenny Craig and I lost 30lbs, this included exercising and making healthier food choices.


When I moved back to Saint Louis I got back into my old habits and starting sleeping a lot and eating as much chocolate as my body could stand which resulted in me gaining the 30lbs back. Thanks to my bad habits not only have I gained the weight back…but now I’m on high blood pressure medication.

As my doctor put it… “People have been telling you your overweight…now your body is telling you too.” I knew I should’ve listened when my doctor told me to lose weight last year but I thought it was not a big problem. Well the day I went to Walgreens to fill that high blood pressure prescription I knew I had a BIG problem.

So I decided to take control of my health and get back into shape. I’ve hired a trainer…who does not take excuses and demand results. I work out 5-6 times a week and I am eating healthier. I’ve created another blog documenting my weight loss journey. It includes a food journal, my emotions, pics of me as I go though the process of losing weight and weekly weight loss count. My goal is to lose 80lbs before January 30th, 2010. My little cousin Brittany is 14 and over 100lbs overweight and she will be joining me on my weight loss journey so she will be included in the blog as well. I have never exposed myself this much on the internet… but I feel this is something that I must do. Writing about things are helpful to me and may be encouraging to others.

The new address is http://healthyvoluptuousness.blogspot.com/ I have not posted anything just yet but check it out from time to time.

The Face Of Domestic Violence

Due to all the hoopla surrounding Chris Brown and Rhianna, I’ve decided to talk about my own brush with domestic violence. Blogs and media sources are quick to blame the victim. Today a saw a blurb that said he hit her because she hit him in the head with a high heeled shoe. Whatever!

People are real quick to say things like, “I’ll never let a man hit me”, “I’ll kill a man if he puts his hands on me” or “I would never go back to a man that physically abused me.”

While this may be true for some women…..it’s not true for all, and it was not true for me. If someone would have told me that I would experience domestic violence in my lifetime I would have thought they were lying or joking.

Domestic violence does not only happen to people in broken homes or witnessed domestic violence growing up or very dependant. My parents never had any physical altercations and I love and embrace my independence…but it happened to me.

I really cared for my assailant … I thought I could make him a better man. He was going though a rough time in his life and I just wanted to be there for him. I felt either I did something that caused him to act violent and many times I would try to keep my mouth shut to “keep peace” in the house. The first time he pushed me, I dismissed it. The second time was a lot of verbal abuse and a hard push in the face. I fell to the ground and bruised up my hands and knees. As crazy as it sounds I blamed my big mouth, cause believe me when I say I was exchanging verbal assaults with him. The third time I picked up a 7” butcher knife and told him if he lays a hand on me again I would kill him…………and enjoy it. We broke up for about 6 weeks but we decided that we loved one another and wanted to get back together. The fourth time happened 3 months later and to make matters worse it happened in public. We starting arguing in the car, I thought it were best not to say anything. But as he kept verbally attacking me and I responded. He told me he was ready to beat my ass.. so I pulled up in front on an emergency room because I knew security and/or cops would be present. Would you know there was no one in sight? We fought like cats and dogs…clothes were ripped, blood was spilled and he ran off into the night.

While standing there wondering how did this happen again…………. I remembered my Granddaddy and how much he loved Grandmother. My Grandma was a firecracker…quick to cuss and good at being mean and ignorant. However, I never heard my grandfather say a negative word about her. I never seen him hit her or get so frustrated that he went outside his character. My Granddaddy has passed on… but standing there all bruised up and pissed off... I felt his presence. It felt like he was saying. “Pooh, this is not love, that mane does not love you the way a mane is suppose to love a woman.” At that moment I felt peace and I knew that it was over. I deserved more and he needed help…help that I could not provide. I took the blame off of me and left it there in front of the emergency room.


The funny part about it was…I wasn’t mad. My window was busted, my elbows were scraped and I had his blood all over my shirt. But for the first time I felt good! Security and the police showed up after it was all over. I told the police I wanted to press charges and if/when they caught him give me a call and I would follow through. The police was surprised I was so calm given the fact it looked like I had been through hell and back.

Thankfully my wake up call came before a murder. Because if I had a knife or a gun I would have killed him or he would have killed me. Domestic violence is real y’all... but so many women are ashamed to admit what they are going through. I never told my family what was going on in my life. I did not what them to take action against my boyfriend. Plus I was living in shame; it was a secret that I did not want to get out. People thought of me as a strong black woman... and what strong, black and independent woman would let a man beat on her? I did not want to be judged and have people feeling sorry for me and looking down on me at the same time. Because of those fears I never told anyone what was going on. It may have been helpful but I could not see past my own embarrassment.

The guy called and texted to say how bad he felt… how he wanted to commit suicide and he loved me more than I ever knew. The best response is no response. I knew he was trying to rope me into a conversation. I finally spoke with him and told him, “This is my first and last time telling you to leave me alone…or I will get a restraining order.” So far this has worked. I also moved to a new location so I don’t have to worry about him stalking my home.


According to the Institute on Domestic Violence in the African-American Community at the University of Minnesota, Black women reported more than 30% more cases of intimate partner violence than their White peers.

In cases of domestic violence interventions are crucial, because Black Women are far more likely to be victims of homicides related to intimate partner violence. As a community, Black Americans account for 33% of such homicides with Black women specifically accounting for 22% of these cases (though they make up only 8% of the national population) and 42% percent of all female homicides related to domestic violence.

Rhianna is still a kid, everyone has their breaking point. I pray she finds hers before someone gets hurt.

Random Ramblings

Tonight I’m in chill mode and don’t feel like doing a thang. My house looks like a tornado blew threw but I’m stepping over clothes, forgoing dusting, not washing the dishes and forget about the damn floors….didn’t I say I was chilling.

Right now I am watching Real Housewives of ATL. These women are a trip, most of these women are depending on their men money. One women is waiting on a 7 figure divorce settlement, one woman is married to an NBA player, one woman admits she has a suga daddy , the other woman has a wealthy husband , only one has a job……and guess what her husband is an injured NFL player that was released from his contract, so right now he is unemployed: he works for her.

The NBA wife looks exhausted while getting the kids ready for school. Never mind, she has a chef cooking breakfast, all she has to do is get the kids up and get them dressed, and she acts likes she is working her fingers to the bone. But its good entertainment. Other than that it comes across as a bunch of spoiled, no depth, materialist, self absorb women with a show.

I went to the mall and spent way too much. Am I the only person that ever have shoppers remorse? I knew I should have left those dresses at the mall…… but I was bored and felt shopping would cure my blues. Now I’m looking for the receipt to take the dresses back and I can’t find it. I don’t feel too bad cuz sometimes you gotta treat yourself to something nice…...... right.

With that in mind, I gotta get everything straight because I want to buy a home the end of 2009. Right now the banks ain’t lending money to NOBODY. This credit crunch is giving me an opportunity to get my funds together while the banks are thawing out. So I won’t be blowing money again no time soon. You gotta do what you gotta do to get what you want.

Y’all remember when I was exercising and losing weight. Well that’s over, not that I want it to be, but I have not been doing what’s right. First of all, I’ve been eating fast food like my name is hamburgular. As soon as I get home, if I eat or not, I go straight to sleep. Of course I wake up like an hour before I have to be at work so I jump out of the bed running. I get to work and eat a muffin that ‘s about 400 calories and I snack all day. I think I’m going to join weight watchers. I know I can do it myself, but the support does help. I need to get healthier, but with all the drama in my life and my family life I let my healthy habits slip. But I’ll get back on the good foot soon.

Well I talk with ya’ll later it’s past my bed time… Holla

Girl's Nite Out

Wow I’ve been working like crazy. My job has offered me unlimited over time and I’ve been working like a Hebrew slave…whew. Twenty hours of overtime a week is very tiring and my social life (and blogging life) has been in the proverbial toilet.

However, this Saturday it was on and popping. My girlfriends and I had a girl’s nite out and we went home drunk and happy. This week was the blues festival so we went to the festival ate great bar-b-que and watched some phyne men sing the blues. Then we decided to go to the comedy club… of course everything is funnier when you’re drunk. I laughed really hard. You know those deep belly laughs, I haven’t laughed like that in a long time. I heard laughing was good for the soul and I believe it’s true.

Then after the comedy club we went to a real upscale bar (yeah more drinks). As we enjoyed ourselves men would come by and buy us a round a drinks. I was totally floored each time… I thought that was a thing that happened back in the day. Each man would comment on how we seemed to be having a genuine good time, acting like we were the only people in the bar.

That night I went to bed with a smile on my face. Before you ask…..I went home alone. The smile was on my face because I forgot how good it felt just to have a good time with my friends. Most times I am focusing on my goals and my problems so much I forget to just live life.

Life with its ups and down is still a beautiful thing. Life is truly a golden opportunity ..make the best of it.