Mad as a Mutha

There are a few characteristics about me that get me in a lot of trouble.
1. Very opinionated
2. Headstrong
3. At times extremely vocal

Today at work those attributes were tested and just as expected I lost it. Okay check it…. my department is throwing a party for a lady that I don’t particularly care for. People came around asking for donations for food or if each person could bring a dish. Now, I’m a person that if I deal with you then cool….but if I don’t mess with you then I don’t mess with you….period. I will be cordial to you even if I don’t fool with you but I don’t pretend to be your supporter when I am not... see that is fake shit. So anyway I told my department that I will not be making any contributions nor will I be attending the party. That causes a few people in my department to get pissy and give me the side eye. So I’m like “what’s the problem?”

Then two individuals start whispering about me not wanting to participate. Now I get upset and let them know that I do what the fuck I wanna do with my money. The lady has rarely spoken two works to me and when she does they come across as superior, condescending and patronizing. So then one of my co workers says, “ I just don’t think it is cool that you are not participating”. Of course I like WTF, did the bish give you some money or contribute to any party that you know of? She said she was not aware if she did or not. I started to get more upset because people were questioning my choice not to be inclusive. Then co-worker says well we got visitors in the building and I just don’t want to get into it. At this point I got steam coming out of my ears and I said “don’t start shit, whispering and getting your opinion across and then think of an excuse not to hear what I wanted to say." Now if you truly didn’t give a damn you would have shut the fuck up and turned around to face your computer and went on about your day.

I just want to know how someone think they gonna regulate my pockets. I get so tired of working in an office sometimes. I know I have an attitude and when it clashes with other people that come to work with an attitude it’s like a ticking time bomb.

I just had to get that off my chest. BTW how you doing

Looking

Well I am actually on the computer on a Sunday. Lately that has become abnormal. I decided that I would start looking at other industries to see if there are any new opportunities in my field. I can tell you that it is very frustrating trying to navigate a job search via the Internet. It can be very tiring...thank the LORD I have a job. I only searched for 30 minutes I can imagine what people that are actually unemployed go through!

I like my current job, my boss and co-workers are fabulous. For the first time I actually enjoy coming to work. However, my job has become boring. Yeah I know in this eco-No-Money, I should just be happy to have a job...but my brain craves productivity. Plus it is always good to stay current with the market. It's a sure why to determine new trends, fair pay and great employment opportunities.

Sometime this week I will have to update my resume and just throw it out there to see if any fish bite. As strange as it sounds I like interviewing...even if I don't get the job. It helps me stay sharp and lets me know what employers are really looking for. I am still thinking about going to school this spring to pursue an engineering degree.

Well I have so much work to do. The house is a mess, the car needs to be washed as well as my hair. If any of you know of any management jobs in the utility industry or customer service...holla at a sistah.

My Authentic Self

As I get older being authentic has become very importunate to me. It’s almost like I’m allergic to people that are not their genuine self. It seems that most of the people I know are disingenuous and hypocritical. Sadly for many years I carried my duplicitous alter ego with me everywhere I went. This fake persona (for the sake of this article let’s call her... Candy) would make an appearance whenever needed. It actually got to the point that people I’d known for years had more interaction with Candy than they did with me. In reality they did not know me very well at all but they were well acquainted with my alter ego Candy.

Being fake or insincere seems like a lightweight issue but in reality it’s quite lonely. People have expectations and once you have built yourself up to be perceived in a certain light it is very hard to turn around and do a 360. Being phony also takes a great deal of energy, it requires you to smile when you want to cry, sometimes it requires you to lie about your finances or your career, you seem over the moon when you talk about your home life or relationships. People began to envy your life because you have created a perfect fraudulent life.

After years of posing as Candy I decided to take off the mask and try being me. Honestly it was harder being me than I thought. Being me required that I let people in my life, that I trusted them with my feelings and secrets. I felt almost led to tell people about my weaknesses and bad days. Finally people are beginning to see that sometimes I am not as confidant as I seem. I feel it is very important to let people know when I am struggling….how can I get help if I am always pretending to be fine. How can people relate to me if I seem to have the ideal life

This past Saturday I saw an associate that I had not seen in years. This young lady had gastric bypass surgery since we last saw one another. The weight loss was dramatic, had she not been in the room with other people I recognized I would not have known it was her standing before me. Candy started to show up and was making some pretty unflattering remarks about my associate in my thoughts. Luckily for me I decided to hold judgment and just enjoy the opportunity to relax and enjoy friends. At some point during the get-together the associate decided to share why she decided have the surgery. I was flabbergasted when she said she had gotten up to 365lbs. I had not seem her in quite a few years and she was not 365 five years ago! She explained the limitations and grief she suffered prior to her surgery. Upon hearing her speak so opening and unabashed about herself Candy began to disappear because she had no one there to fuel her fire. I had no reason to be self righteous and the essence of perfection. I don’t want my readers to be confused and think that I have correlated sadness and weakness with genuineness because that is not the case. For me I was always too happy to share the good parts of my life but I hid the parts that were not as pretty. People only knew one side of me and that was the happy everything is alright perfect side of me. The side effects to that persona are judgment. I always passed irrational judgment on others, making assumptions and spreading gossip as if it were the word. So please don’t think I am confusing being real with sadness and gloom. I am just trying to become a whole person. This is a personal prescription and may not be suitable for everyone.

I thank that sister for her ability unapologetically share herself. It gives me more strength to be just me. Sadly I’ve come to the realization that Candy must be destroyed. She has kept me from becoming the person I was meant to be. She has been used as a tool to hinder my growth and surround me with other fake people.

If you see Candy on the side of the milk carton…don’t bother to call missing persons because she is no longer wanted or needed.

Hair We Go…..Again.

As most of you know I wear my hair loc’ed. However, there was a point in my life when locing was not an option. People I was addicted to weave. When I say addicted I mean I had to have it. I would obsess about getting my weave done more that I cared about paying my car note. Seriously.

Chile walking into the beauty supply to look at all the weaves made me high. I marveled at all the colors, textures, curly, kinky, straight, bone straight and wavy. I could look at the wall for hours. I just loved it. I would take my time and find the most perfect hair I could find and run out the door like I just copped a big ole eight ball of crack (lol). But if I wanted my hair to be super bad I had to make sure my relaxer was on point … if not I would need to pick up some Elasta QP or hopefully my stylist would have some of that Affirm. I may come out of the beauty supply $50.00- 75.00 lighter but I felt great.

Then I would go home and soak my head with conditioner and glue remover. I would pour half a bottle of conditioner on my head with about two bottles of glue remover. I placed a plastic bag or cap on my head for a few hours. This made the removal of the old hair much simpler. However, sometimes the glue would be real stubborn and I would have to tear off some of my real hair to remove the weave. Once the weave was totally out I would take a wide tooth comb and comb out all the glue. I always placed my weave in a pile once I removed it. I would often look at it like an old friend going on to college or the army and you’re sad to see them leave but hope the best for them.

The down side to the conditioner/weave removal process was the glue would get gummy and stick to everything in sight. If it got on your cloths you can forget it because it was never coming off. If it got on the carpet or walls it would be hell to get out. Needless, to say I had a weave removal uniform…. yes I did. I would wear this raggedy t-shirt with some bleached up jogging pants when I took out my weave. Once the glue and the hair were out I would wash and blow dry my hair.

It’s sad to admit but it was hard for me to look at myself in the mirror without my weave. To me the hair made me feel beautiful and seductive. Without the hair I felt like a bald head ugly girl that desperately needed the weave to feel whole again. I would quickly tie my hair up with a scarf and waited for the next day so I could let my stylist work her magic.


I would show up to the salon at my appointed time and waited with baited breath for her to get to me. But the wait was okay because I would pour over magazines looking for the perfect style to rock my new weave. Once I found the style I wanted I would hold on to that book for dear life. Then I would pull my weave out the pack and look at it, ran my fingers through it, and I totally loved the smell of a new pack of weave. After feeling it and smelling it I put it back in the bag and waited my turn.

Now once I’ve waited between 1-2 hours depending on how overbooked the stylist is I would get my turn to set in the seat. I handed her my book and said I want my hair like hers! Now the transformation began. This normally took about another 1-2 hours depending on how I was getting my hair. I loved to feel the cold glue press up against my scalp. Then I would feel the soft hair fall on my face……….I was in heaven. Then she would start cutting with the razor. As she got further in the process my excitement would be on full blast. She would go over each section with the flat iron. I love smelling the oil sheen and spritz sizzling on the hair as the hot flat irons made each strand of hair more perfect than before.

Finally reveal time… and the stylist turns me to the mirror and I can hear Stevie Wonder singing …Isn’t she lovely, isn’t she wonderful. I would inspect the hair and make sure that it was to my liking and if not ask the stylist to tweak some areas if needed. But when I left I was in full DIVA mode. Before I left I had to put on a little mascara and lip gloss.

In 24 hours I went from feeling like the ugly duckling in the mirror to a full beauty queen. This went on for 16 years until finally I got tired of wasting my money and feeling so damn insecure. I challenged myself to feel beautiful outside the confines of weaves and wigs. I took the scissors to my head and chopped off all the perm. I went to my loctian and said I want locs. Now trust me the locs was not love at first sight. Trust me I did not feel beautiful at all but I was determined to break myself from feeling ugly because something as stupid as hair. People would say little smart remarks or not say anything at all. I don’t think the first 2 months of me getting my locs no one said anything positive about my hair. It felt like it was me against the world, but I was determined to win. My family asked me questions like what are you doing with your hair, friends just did not say nothing or would tell me about someone else with short hair and how THEIR hair looked good. Indicating that mine did not look so good. I did just what Jay said in the song… I brushed the dirt off my shoulders and kept pushing. Now that I am 2 years into the locs people that were hating before say things like… man I wish I had the courage to do that or do I have to cut off all my hair or my favorite do they have loc extensions that I can wear until my hair grows out. I understand that everyone is not into the natural thang and I am fine with that. I am not one that will belittle a sistah for rocking a weave or relaxed hair. Do what makes you feel beautiful… but when your self esteem and worth is connected to hair then it is time to check yo self.

The Lost of Homocide

Losing a loved one to a homicide is different that losing someone to regular death. See a homicide seems personal it feels like a direct attack against you personally. After reading about the little boy named Derrion Albert that was beaten to death in Chicago, it brought up feelings I had about my own brother. My brother name was John and he was murdered July 16th 2003.

As I look at the picture of Derrion sister crying because the death of her brother that familiar pain rises to the surface. It’s a pain that is almost indescribable… imagine having open heart surgery with no anesthesia, now multiply that pain times 10. Yeah that is about it that is exactly how it feels. My brother was shot in the head and left dead in his vehicle. That day my Aunt kept calling me saying that a detective kept calling her saying she needed to get to the police station because John was in trouble. My Aunt asked if I would go get him but I told her that I had to visit my nephew in the hospital and since they called her she should go. When my Aunt got downtown to speak with the detective he told her that John was found shot in the head and he needed her to identify his body.

Shortly after she came from the corners office I stopped by her house to see what kind of trouble my brother had got into. As soon as I got into the door she said “John is dead” I could tell by her tone she was telling the truth. I lost it… I felt a numerous emotions hit me all at the same time. I was so hurt I could not talk for days. I just kept waiting for someone to tell me that they were playing a joke on me. I was grieving so hard yet I could not share what was going on with my closest friends because I could not talk about it. I just slept for 6 days until the day of the funeral.

The day of the funeral was really hard for me and I tried not to go but my family insisted that I attend. I felt like I was slowly going crazy and seeing his stiff dead body lying in a coffin would send me right over the edge. I never looked at my brother in the coffin. I left before the viewing for the sake of my sanity. At night I would cry because my brother died alone with no one he loved around him.

The grieving process for homicide victims can be hard. It took me almost 3 years before I did not cry everyday. I was close to my brother and it felt like half of me died when he left and I could not imagine living in this world without him being in it.

As I read Derrion story my heart broke. I immediately recognized the lost look in his sister’s eyes and the pain in his grandfather’s voice. As I watched the video of the gang members hitting him in the head with a rail road tie and jumping up and down on his skull I cringed. This honor roll student was being beat to death because he was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. He was not a gang member just an innocent bystander walking down the street when violence erupts and he gets caught in the crossfire.

The police have captured his killers and they are four young men between the ages of 16 and 19. They are being charged with 1st degree murder. Because the crime was captured on video I am sure they will be given lengthy sentences. When they took Derrion’s life they took their own as well. Life as they know it will never be the same. Some will be lucky if they get out by the time they are 36 years old.

Y’all I am so affected by homicide I cant even watch too much of shows like The First 48 or Crime 360. That type of stuff just gets into my spirit and I become overwhelmed. I feel like murder is being sensationalized and I don’t want be apart of that. I’ll save that topic for later.

The greatest commandment of all is to LOVE one another, we humans seem to have a hard time fulfilling that one.

Really…………Was That Necessary?

I know I have been M.I.A. for a minute…mostly because I haven’t had anything to say. But not having a wireless connection in my home could also lessen my post. But today I have something I want to discuss and that is President Obama’s speech on health care. Yes I know I have been talking about this for a minute but this is an issue near and dear to my heart. It is my desire for everyone in the USA to have sufficient healthcare… not mediocre or substandard coverage but the same coverage afforded to Donald Trump should be given to Joe “The Crack Head” Robinson.

I eagerly listened to the President outline his intent for the healthcare plan. I was satisfied with what I heard and felt confident that Obama could deliver the results he promised. Then as he stated that illegal immigrants will not be covered under the plan Rep. Joe Wilson, a little-known Republican from South Carolina, shouted “You Lie.” Look how Barack , Nancy and Joe looks at him… you can tell that the Prez gone get in that ass later, but his trying to keep his composure.

My question is why die the man feel he could disrespect the President in that manner. His comments were out of line and not warranted. Now when Lil Wubbayou was up there lying about weapons of mass destructions in was quiet…..when people found out he really lied… it was quiet. Now that the BLACK man is running thangs those red necks wanna start shouting across the room and forgetting that there is a certain protocol when addressing the President of the United States. I felt like the man was trying to pull the President’s pull a whore cord (you gotta be old school to know what the mean). In other words he was hoping the President would not challenge him. But once he got that ice grill he knew he better shut the fuck up and issue an apology as soon as he left the building.

Look I stand behind my President on this issue. If you have money and great insurance…good for you. But there are millions of people without insurance who need this plan to work. I understand that people want to research the issue and make sure that it fits the needs of the citizens and that is fine. However, procrastination will only make this thing boil over more. We need to do something…doing nothing is not an option. I am following this issue like my life depended on it and hope the Obama does not back down and keep being the voice for the small disenfranchised people.

OK Corral or Town Hall Meeting

Hey People,

Sorry I’ve been MIA for awhile, but hey life happens………right? Anywhoo, have you been keeping up with all these angry town hall meetings? Chile “them people” really showing their asses. I could have sworn that I lived in a democratic country…we are suppose to agree to disagree. But nooooooooooo we acting like we are a third world country, were shouting, screaming, fighting, spitting and making racist threats towards one another.

Recently Claire McCaskill (whom I voted for) held a town hall meeting for health care here in Missouri. Honey…. it got u.g.l.y. “them folks” were clowning. Some people chose to show love for our Prez by displaying Obama stickers on their vehicles or wearing Obama gear. A few ignorant red necks decided to shout “Obama Lover” as these people passed by.

And although there was a sign posted on the door that prohibited posters or signs in the meeting a sista decided it would be a good a deal to being a poster of Rosa Parks. What the hell Rosa Parks have to do with healthcare….I do not know. When she walked in with the poster she was booed and cursed at so she rolled up the signed and placed it at her feet. Then this happy go lucky journalist decided to ask her to display the sign. This caused all hell to break loose….a white man snatched the sign from the woman saying “Didn’t we tell you to put that got damn sign up.” The black lady and her friend were asked to leave the meeting and the white man was escorted to the lobby.

I was not at the meeting so I will not claim racial bias but what I will claim is elitism. Why the haves don’t want the have nots to have health care. I make a decent salary no where near rich or well to do…but I would be willing to get taxed to ensure that everyone gets the healthcare they deserve. Other countries are looking at America like we are fools, but we are known for being a bullies now these conservative bastards are trying to prevent universal healthcare. Man have you seen some of these people at the meetings? They look like they don’t have health insurance either, some are missing teeth, frail and look plain sickly.

And what they are doing to Obama man they are slaughtering him. Look at how they are portraying him in pictures. Really ……………the joker….hitler….. and a liar.