Finding A New Church Home

In 2008 when I returned to St Louis I rejoined my old church. I did everything that I did not do the first time I joined. I attended all the new membership classes and even got re-baptized. My guy loved the church and I enjoyed the church too. One of the reasons that I enjoyed the church so much was the pastor. The pastor was great; he seemed in tune with the struggles of his congregation and was very relatable. At first, I was going pretty regularly. I was going to bible study and Sunday service….then things changed.

My guy kept asking me to go back and I just really did not want to go. People would ask me what was wrong and I could not put my finger on it. In addition to feeling a little put off by the church, my relationship with God was slipping as well. We all know that this could’ve been a combustible combination. I spoke with a few people about how I was feeling about my relationship with God and how I was worried that I could not feel his presence as strong as I once did.

People kept telling to go to church, but I did not feel that attending church was the answer. It took awhile but finally I started to feel my connection with God grow stronger. I then was faced with the task of going back to church. However, I did not want to go to the church I joined. I visited a few churches but still did not feel compelled to go back to my home church.


It has been well over a year since I been back to my home church and just the other day it hit me like a ton of bricks why I did not want to go back. I literally just got an answer this weekend and I finally feel like a burden as been lifted from my shoulders.

The reason I felt so strongly about not attending was related to the people in the church. Again, I absolutely love the pastor and believe that he is a God sent….. but many others are not ( to me that is). I remember when I first started going to that church I was tore up on the inside. I was spiritually dead and desperately needed reviving. I am an extremely private person and did not feel comfortable sharing my problems with the ministers at the church. I would pray every time I entered the church that someone could see into my spirit and pray for me, touch me, hold my hand …something. My brother and nephew had died and I was suicidal…but no one knew it. I just prayed that someone would see my pain. Needless to say no one ever noticed me or my pain. But I survived.



I’ve since grown a little wiser and had the opportunity to attend other churches. When I lived in Cali I attended a multi-racial church and loved it. It was wonderful seeing different races praise God with one voice and being treated like a sister in Christ by everyone was a feeling I’ll never forget.

There were ministries to fit every need a person could have, and there were many ministries to my personal need. I joined a small group of women (no more than 8 women) and we did a series of bible studies. These women were from all income levels and racial backgrounds. They prayed for me and allowed me to vent if I wanted. I never felt like I was a traitor of God because my faith was not always as strong and I did not always stay on path. But I always knew if I kept coming I would eventually get the spiritual feeding I needed. The leader of the group even gave me her number in case I need to talk to her over the phone or I just wanted someone to pray with.


When I came home to STL I went back to my old church. I was familiar with a few members and I always loved the pastor so it was a no brainer. However, this time I felt that the word was flat. There was a great deal of story telling and a lil bit of word and yall know when the devil is on the back of your heels you need some word….stories won’t due!


I wasn’t spiritually broken this time but it still felt like some (not all) the arm bearers of the church did not have spiritual eyes. I just did not feel connected to the church anymore. I kept going and each time I could not wait to get out of the building. I just not sure what I am going to do at this point, but I really desire to settle back into the groove of going to church to get fed and worship with other believers.


I don’t know if I’ve just evolved or if I need to just move on and pray for the best.

Pressing My Way Through

Hey Friends and Family,

Yesterday I was in one of those fucked up moods. I tried to fight it all day, but the urge to slap the shit out of someone just keep coming up to the surface. I admit it I am a woman filled with contradictions one minute I can be cussing and the next minute you may catch me in the corner with my eyes closed saying a lil prayer. I’ve tried to change but what can I say…it is what it is.


Anyhow this urge to slap the shit outta someone started last Saturday. Man it rained like cats and dogs and the tornado horns when off and directed everyone to go to the basement. I went to the basement as directed and once I felt it was safe I came back up to find that water was leaking from the light fixtures of my home.

My pisstivity level went up a notch or two. Let me refresh y’all memory, the seller of my home told me I had a new roof and all the supporting documents I have on the home says the roof is new. Long story short I filed a claim to sue the seller. Once she realized that I was in the process of suing her she decided to call me. This heifer begged me to work it outside the courtroom. Me….being the nice, considerate, compassionate and down to earth sistah that I am was cool with handling this issue like grown women. Home girl kept saying she was getting estimates and that someone would call me. Then she would say that she would have some one over to deliver the bid to me so I can go over it. I would press her more then she would say that the contractor would start on the house next week. Well that bullshit when on for over a month. Once the court date went by I never heard from that heifer again.

See when some people look at me or speak to me they think I am one polished and refined lady. What they don’t know is underneath that sophistication is straight hood! I’m like Colt 45…..Don’t let the smooth taste fool ya!

I decided that I needed to take care of my roof and handle old girl later. Needless to say I will be short a few grand so I can get my roof replaced. For her sake I hope she don’t think this is over, if anything this is just the beginning. I am done talking and playing Mrs. Nice Girl, the gloves are coming off.

Today I feel a little better but not by much. Then the job situation is getting on my last nerve. The entire department is sitting around looking at each other all day wondering when something is going to go down. But, the boss is still saying everything is going to be okay and no job losses will occur, work should start to pick up next week. So until then I guess I have to keep sharing natural hair tips with my co-workers and surfing the internet for gossip.

My life seems so complicated right now… I am just trying to stay focus and concentrate only on the things I can fix. I try to ignore the rest but it is extremely hard to do. This is one of those times I need to remember the serenity prayer and it keep pushing.

African American Genocide.....So They Say

Have you every heard of the term “Womb Lynching”…..me either until I ran across the National Pro Black Life Union insist Planned Parenthood (PP). Apparently this group feels that PP is committing genocide against black people by offering abortion services.

They complain that PP provides a disproportionate amount of abortions to black women. African Americans make up only 14 percent of the U.S. population, we account for a staggering 59 percent of abortions. For PP that means while Blacks make up 25 percent of their clientele, they account for 47 percent of abortions performed through their clinic.


It is noted that many of the PP clinics are located in predominately low income neighborhoods and offers grants to women who can not afford to pay the full price of abortions.

The history of PP with African Americans is a pretty bad one. The founder of PP is Margaret Sanger. She came up with the idea for the “Negro Project” in the late 1930’s. She believed that, by convincing Black people to limit the size of their families, they would prevent the Black population’s numbers from overwhelming those of the white population. And so began an effort to prevent Black women from getting pregnant by birth control, sterilization and abortion.
Let me first start by saying I am pro-choice. It is my belief that the government should stay out of a woman’s bedroom and not involve themselves with decisions women make about their bodies. The choice is between that woman and God.

I often visited PP as a teen. I was provided with birth control pills and a well woman’s exam for a very, very small fee. I never felt pressured to take birth control pills and they always made me feel like I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was in the drivers’ seat making decisions about my body and being responsible about my sexual behavior. There was no other place like PP in my neighborhood and I was trying to stay out of the abortion line so I felt that birth control pills were the best option.

Let’s face it; many women that have abortions are not in a position to have a baby. We can’t complain about high taxes and welfare moms with one voice and want to outlaw abortion at the same time. And to be real honest some of these women don’t need to be nobody’s mama. I have never had an abortion, but I know many women that had to make that choice. Some are haunted by the decision, but most have gotten over it and gone on with their lives. Having an abortion is one of the hardest decisions that a woman has to make. And trust me it affects every last woman that has to lie on that table and hear the whirl of that machine. It is unfortunate that some women use abortion like a form of birth control by getting several abortions throughout their life…….but again, their body, their choice.
Yes, it is sad that PP started with such a horrible objective in mind. However, women of all colors have a choice and if 47% of their black clientele is choosing their services then so be it.


If you ask me we should be focusing on why the women are choosing abortion as an option instead of why PP is providing the service. No one is taking about the dead beat dads, the high cost of daycare, the failing school systems, the fact that black women get paid less than other ethnicities for doing the same job. All these reasons (and more) make some women hightail it to the abortion clinic.

News: Confessed Assassin Of Malcolm X Granted Parole

Thomas Hagan has been held since moments after shots rang out in the Audubon Ballroom in 1965. He has been on work release for more than two decades, but he still spends two days a week locked up at the Lincoln Correctional Facility on West 110th Street in Manhattan.
On March 3, however, on his 17th try, Mr. Hagan was granted parole, the State Division of Parole said. His final release date is tentatively scheduled for April 28. The news was reported Thursday on The Village Voice’s Runnin’ Scared blog.
Mr. Hagan, who turned 69 in jail on Tuesday, was a militant member of the Nation of Islam on Feb. 21, 1965, when Malcolm X was shot while giving a speech at the Audubon, in Washington Heights. Mr. Hagan, then known as Talmadge X. Hayer, was captured by the crowd and shot at and beaten before being rescued by the police.
Two other men, Muhammad Abdul Aziz (then known as Norman 3X Butler) and Kahlil Islam (then Thomas 15X Johnson), were also charged with the murder. They maintained their innocence. Mr. Hagan did not, testifying at his trial in 1966 that he was responsible for the murder and that his co-defendants were innocent.
All 3 men were sentenced to 20 to life. For Hagan apparently, his time is done- his debt to society has been paid- has it?


Mr. Hagan, who earned a master’s degree while in prison, according to a 2008 profile in The New York Post, was placed on work release in 1988. In 2008, he was spending his free days with his wife and children in Sunset Park, Brooklyn, and working in a fast food restaurant.
“I’ve been incarcerated for 40 years, and I’ve had a good record all around,” he told The Post. “I don’t see any reason for holding me.”
He…doesn’t see a reason?! How about the fact that he murdered Malcolm X?


********** Disclaimer: This post was jacked from the NY Times and Fresh Express.

Change Is The Only Thing That Is Constant

My life is headed in so many directions I don’t know what to do. It’s funny that as I get older, I get more controlling. If I had it my way I could be in control of every aspect of my life. But who am I kidding………. I simply do not have the power to control everything that directly affects me.


My job is becoming a major issue in my life. My department was told in late February that our job duties were being reassigned. However, we were told not worry because there would be no loss in jobs. My co-workers and I were reassured that we would be given other duties and we could rest assured that our jobs were not in jeopardy. I was asked to write the training manual the employees that would be taking over my department. My other co-workers created other training materials to assist with the transition of work. The transition took affect on Monday, April 5, 2010. That week my department helped with any questions and hiccups that came along. Although we were pissed off, we plastered smiles on our face and threw ourselves into the transition. Once the transition was completed our phones stop ringing, emails stopped coming in, and work pretty much dried up. The “new” project that we were promised never came in. Now it is April 16, 2010 and this is the second week of total boredom at the job. Imagine coming into work and doing absolutely nothing, searching the gossip sites, taking on the phone with family and friends and talking to your co-workers. It’s cool for the first 2-3 days then after that it’s like WTF. My co-workers and I are now afraid that something negative my happen. Who wants an entire department coming to work and twiddling their thumbs? We are afraid of for our jobs, my boss assures me that there will be no loss of jobs. Is this supposed to make me feel secure?


I start school in June and I am looking forward to it. But I did not realize what a hassle it is to register. My God I wanted to scream in the advising office. I added my name it the list to see an advisor and it took forever! Once an Advisor called my name she wanted to discuss my issue while standing up in the front lobby. The lady seemed really rushed and never invited me back to her office. I told her that I needed her to override something in the system so I can register for Chemistry. She told me she would enroll me in the class and would print me out a schedule. She went into her office and came back with a schedule for me. I took it and went on about my merry way. Chile…. I was almost home, while waiting at the stop light my excitement about school got the best of me and I looked at my schedule with a feeling of pride. Then I noticed that I was enrolled in the wrong class, my blood pressure shot through the roof! This lady was in such a rush that she placed me in the wrong class. The next day I called the school with fire in my voice; thankfully a wonderful lady was able to calm me down and was very helpful.


I decided that I was not comfortable with the rates of pregnancy with IVF, so I would like to adopt. This can be a tedious process and a long process too, but this is something that I am willing to endure. I’ve selected an agency and have begun the process. I figure if it’s God’s will it will all work out.


When I was in high school I had my life planned out.


By age 25 have a masters degree…………… Check
By age 26 own a home……………………….Check
By age 30 own my own consulting business……….Fail
By age 32 get married……………………………….Fail
By age 33 me and my husband will have a combined income of over 1mil………..Epic Fail
By age 34 have a baby……………………………….Fail
By age 40 own several rental properties……………………..Jury Still Out
By age 50 retire and purchase the newest Jaguar………………………………………………..Based on current economic situation this may be a fail too


I recall hearing nothing is constant in life except change. Well guess what y’all, life has taught me to be very flexible. Life can come at you hard and fast but its best just to keep prayerful and keep it moving. Change what you can and accept what you can’t

Who Needs Cable?

A lot of people are surprised when I tell them I only have one television and I don’t have cable. I have never understood why people feel the need to have a television in every room in their house. Do you really need to fry your chicken and watch television at the same time?

I also feel that the cable company prices are too high…. and personally I can not afford them. In most cases you need HD, broad band and the good movie and sports channels, this will run you about 120.00-150.00 per month. I am at work at least 40 hours a week plus the 45 minutes it takes me to get back and forth. Needless, to say I spend more time at work than I do at home so I can not financially justify spending money on cable.

Now back in the day when the rates were affordable and I actually looked forward to the shows coming on HBO ( Def Comedy Jam) things were fine. But now days they show the same thing over and over and over again. I do use Netflix for times when there is absolutely nothing to be found on regular television. But honestly I do not miss cable, I thought I would but I do not. Trust me………there is some great shows that come on regular television. But I am not the only one giving up on cable.

According to an article on yahoo.com thousand are cutting the cable cord



Nearly 800,000 households in the U.S. have "cut the cord," dumping their cable, satellite, or telco TV providers (such as AT&T U-verse or Verizon FiOS) and turning instead to Web-based videos (like Hulu), downloadable shows (iTunes), by-mail subscription services (Netflix), or even good ol' over-the-air antennas for their favorite shows, according to the report.

Now, as TechCrunch points out, the estimated 800,000 cord cutters represent less than 1 percent of the 100 million U.S. households (give or take) currently subscribing to a cable/satellite/telco TV carrier, so it's not like we're talking a mass exodus here. But by the end of 2011, the report guesstimates, the number of cord-cutting households in the U.S. will double to about 1.6 million, and if the trend continues, well...

Even more trouble for the big carriers is the report's assertion that U.S. TV watchers are getting a taste for online video, with an estimated 17 percent of the U.S. TV audience watching at least one or two shows online in a given week last year, up from just 12 percent in 2008, and set to rise to 21 percent this year.

Calling All Nice White Couples: My Neighborhood Needs You

This summer is going to a mess, I can feel it. Well St. Louis is no stranger to violence but every summer I hope that peace will come. So far, peace is absent and the ruckus is about to start. Two weeks ago a lovely white couple rented the home next door to me. I made sure I met the wife and took the time to introduce myself. The wife seemed happy with the home and said she was accustomed to living in an urban area. I was just happy to have a nice couple living next door to me. Things were going well and the neighbors seemed to be happy with the surroundings, then it happened. Three nights after they moved in there was gun fire. I am not sure if someone got hit or not, but I am certain that I heard 5-6 gun shots. I immediately called the police and prayed that the neighbors would not be discouraged by the idiots in the neighborhood.


Unfortunately, the couple next door was unable to hang, they moved out the next week. I was so upset, the losers won. The neighborhood lost two productive citizens to the threat of violence. I knew that I was not moving to suburbia when I decided to move in the city, but I do not want to live among gang violence and shoot outs. I plan to do everything I can to curb the violence and keep the police on the block. I live in a very racially mixed area and we all seem to get along, but we can not allow a few assholes to ruin our neighborhoods.

Last week there was a car parked in front of my house. The first day I was okay with it and went on about my business. Then the second day I came home the same car was parked outside and I started to get a bit agitated. The third day a car was parked in front of my home I was totally pissed. I called the police and told them that a car with expired temporary tags had been sitting in front of my home for three days. Next thing I knew the car had been towed…..much to my delight.


We have to start fighting for our neighborhoods instead of moving away all the time. The reason the suburbs are so nice is because they do not tolerate things that make the neighborhood appeal and value go down. Why can’t it be that way in the city too?


It’s sad to say but I need a few more white people in my neighborhood. It seems like when they come in the mayor notice and suddenly it feels like magic pixie dust has been sprinkled on the streets. You’ll start to see more police patrolling the area, littering will come to a complete halt, loiters will no longer be tolerated and bad tenants will not be able to renew their leases. The best part would be the rise in my property value. I need to find a few more white folks to move on my street ASAP.