Finding A New Church Home

In 2008 when I returned to St Louis I rejoined my old church. I did everything that I did not do the first time I joined. I attended all the new membership classes and even got re-baptized. My guy loved the church and I enjoyed the church too. One of the reasons that I enjoyed the church so much was the pastor. The pastor was great; he seemed in tune with the struggles of his congregation and was very relatable. At first, I was going pretty regularly. I was going to bible study and Sunday service….then things changed.

My guy kept asking me to go back and I just really did not want to go. People would ask me what was wrong and I could not put my finger on it. In addition to feeling a little put off by the church, my relationship with God was slipping as well. We all know that this could’ve been a combustible combination. I spoke with a few people about how I was feeling about my relationship with God and how I was worried that I could not feel his presence as strong as I once did.

People kept telling to go to church, but I did not feel that attending church was the answer. It took awhile but finally I started to feel my connection with God grow stronger. I then was faced with the task of going back to church. However, I did not want to go to the church I joined. I visited a few churches but still did not feel compelled to go back to my home church.


It has been well over a year since I been back to my home church and just the other day it hit me like a ton of bricks why I did not want to go back. I literally just got an answer this weekend and I finally feel like a burden as been lifted from my shoulders.

The reason I felt so strongly about not attending was related to the people in the church. Again, I absolutely love the pastor and believe that he is a God sent….. but many others are not ( to me that is). I remember when I first started going to that church I was tore up on the inside. I was spiritually dead and desperately needed reviving. I am an extremely private person and did not feel comfortable sharing my problems with the ministers at the church. I would pray every time I entered the church that someone could see into my spirit and pray for me, touch me, hold my hand …something. My brother and nephew had died and I was suicidal…but no one knew it. I just prayed that someone would see my pain. Needless to say no one ever noticed me or my pain. But I survived.



I’ve since grown a little wiser and had the opportunity to attend other churches. When I lived in Cali I attended a multi-racial church and loved it. It was wonderful seeing different races praise God with one voice and being treated like a sister in Christ by everyone was a feeling I’ll never forget.

There were ministries to fit every need a person could have, and there were many ministries to my personal need. I joined a small group of women (no more than 8 women) and we did a series of bible studies. These women were from all income levels and racial backgrounds. They prayed for me and allowed me to vent if I wanted. I never felt like I was a traitor of God because my faith was not always as strong and I did not always stay on path. But I always knew if I kept coming I would eventually get the spiritual feeding I needed. The leader of the group even gave me her number in case I need to talk to her over the phone or I just wanted someone to pray with.


When I came home to STL I went back to my old church. I was familiar with a few members and I always loved the pastor so it was a no brainer. However, this time I felt that the word was flat. There was a great deal of story telling and a lil bit of word and yall know when the devil is on the back of your heels you need some word….stories won’t due!


I wasn’t spiritually broken this time but it still felt like some (not all) the arm bearers of the church did not have spiritual eyes. I just did not feel connected to the church anymore. I kept going and each time I could not wait to get out of the building. I just not sure what I am going to do at this point, but I really desire to settle back into the groove of going to church to get fed and worship with other believers.


I don’t know if I’ve just evolved or if I need to just move on and pray for the best.