My Infertility Dilemma

My struggle with infertility as been a quite struggle. At times I’m aggravated and upset with my inability to naturally conceive. There are times when I feel alone and like a leper. Women were placed on this earth to be fruitful…..right? When I initially found out I was infertile I felt robbed. I felt like my choice had been made for me and I no say so about it. I felt I had all the time in the world to think about starting a family, until I was told that I could not have children the traditional way. Initially I was ashamed; I did not want people to know. I had accomplished so much yet I could not do this basic thing. My crack head cousin has birth 7 children and I can have one! It was very traumatic and I refused to believe it was true. By the time the third doctor informed me that I was unable to conceive naturally, I had no choice but to believe it was true. I joined support groups, cried for days and felt like staying in bed all day. Then like decided the world was not gonna end because I could not have a baby. I picked myself up and decided to keep pushing. Aint no point in crying over spilled milk.



And honestly, there are times that I am thankful that I do not have any children. I love to travel, I love to jump up and leave when I get ready, I love to spend money on frivolous things and at times I can be pretty selfish. I am pretty sure these are not favorable motherly traits.

I don’t concentrate on my inability to have children very much, but every time I hear that some one is pregnant it reminds me I am unable to bear children. I often wonder who will take care of me when I am older. Will I be an old lady with a million cats? LOL. Seriously… I doubt it!

The word no is a foreign concept to me. I am the type of person that looks for answers. If no answers can be found… then so be it, but you won’t be able to say I did not try. Currently I am looking into in vitro fertilization (IVF) or adoption. My sister agreed to be a surrogate for me if I needed it and two of my girlfriends agreed to give me eggs. What love my sister and friends must have for me to help me have a baby! I am carefully considering IFV, but the cost is no joke. It takes some serious dough to have a test tube baby.



The average IVF cost is $12,000, but it can be as much as $15,000. It may be as low as $10,000, but it’s rarely lower than that. These prices are for one cycle of IVF. The prices are enough to make me scratch me head and ask myself is this something you really want. I am amazed that the procedure is so costly and 99.9% is not covered by my insurance company.


I’ve decided to get as much information as I can and to speak to as many good doctors that will give me their time and pray on it. I’ve been a firm believer of what will be….will be. This is an issue that I must consult with God. He has to give me the go ahead, because without his blessing this could be a big waste of time and money. And let’s face it baby or no baby a sistah needs all the money she can get…for real.


Right now I am purely just seeking information. I am trying to understand if I really want kids, or do I want kids because I can not have kids. I am young right now and at times I feel that children are not necessary but what about when I am old, will I regret that I never made an attempt to have children? I don’t know the answer to that question just yet.

Poor Body Image or Pure Bullshit...You Decide

I am a magazine freak. Beauty magazines, design magazines, financial magazines and career magazines are all piled up in my bathroom. Regardless of the magazine type there are always advertisements that tell women what they can do or use to improve/enhance our beauty. The models are beautiful and flawless, their hair looks healthy and shiny, not an once of fat on their body and their skin is poreless like pure silk. Yes we know most of the models are digitally enhanced and the advertisers are selling us a dream….but we want to look like the lady in the picture. Look what Kimora is selling… slim, sexy, and beautiful after birthing three babies. Oh yeah, she is hocking her new fragrance, but I barley notice the perfume bottle, all I see is her long hair and perfect skin. We all know that Kimora is a knock out without air brushing, but why did she feel compelled to present her audience with a fake body image. What about the young women that desire to look like the Kimora on the magazine…never mind that Kimora doesn’t even look like that in real life. What is wrong with promoting realness and accepting the fact that we all come in different sizes? There is nothing wrong with promoting healthiness and proper body image, but sadly this is not the case. Advertisers ,Hollywood and fashion designers want to sell us an unattainable dream, armed with airbrushing , photoshop and suggestions of diets. They believe our self esteem is so low and we are so stupid that we would believe that a bottle perfume would make us look/feel like the photo shopped Kimora. I can’t help it this aggravates me.


The statics show that the average size of the American women is a size 14 and weighs 162.9 lbs. Since I have gained a few pounds I no longer can shop in my favorite stores like The Limited, The Loft, Ann Taylor, White House/Black Market, H&M, Victoria Secret, BeBe, J. Crew, Hollister, Banana Republic, Express and The Gap. I would also like to include Macy’s and Dillards in this list because when you do find clothes that fit a larger frame, it is not fashionable, full of sparkles and look like a HAM. People I wear a size 16 and finding clothes in these store that fit me is damn near mission impossible. If you are over a size 10 (as a woman) you are damn near invisible to the fashion world and beauty world. Of course there are stores that cater to women size 14+, but there are only a small number and do all the plus size women in the USA want to shop at the same 5 stores? Did you know that Wal-Mart is the number one seller of plus size clothing, outside of internet sites? There are a few sites dedicated to plus size women but lets face it, we want to be able to touch and feel the merchandise before we purchase it.


I want to ask designers whom I love like Tracy Reese, Isaac Mizrahi, Donna Karan, Stella McCartney, Marc Jacobs, Vera Wang, and Diane von Furstenberg why don’t you make designs for women over the size of 14. Isn’t our money green like the skinny girls, aren’t we worthy of great design styles and great fashion? Although the market is ripe for plus sizes many designers feel that producing a plus size line will cheapen their brand. Despite the possibility for making tons of money, designers seem to fill as if women past a size 14 (really size 10) is unworthy to rock their clothes. Prada designer Miuccia Prada stated that she would not sell clothes over a size 10. In 2009 Karl Lagerfeld was quoted as saying “What I designed was fashion for slender and slim people," he said. And in an interview in the March 2009 issue of Harper's Bazaar, he sniffed, "The body has to be impeccable . . . if it's not, buy small sizes and less food." The perception in the fashion industry is that full figured women have less disposable income and are less concerned with new styles and trends.



Because some design houses fail to recognize the beauty and profit in the plus size industry is not reason for a full figured girl to look a mess. If they don’t want our money….cool. I just hope that someone sees the need and create a trendy and dynamic plus size line. In the mean time I would like to recommend Rachel Pally for plus size ladies. Pally's full-figured collection is one of the top-selling vendors for Nordstrom. Another great place to find wonderful plus size clothing is Kiyonna, this brand is find mostly online. Old Navy has a nice selection of plus size online. Target plus size section is ify but if you find something it’s usually nice. Then of course you have the good ole stand bys….Torrid, Lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart. My personal choice is to find a tailor, a great pattern with luxurious fabrics and have pieces made to fit my body.

Prayer Warriors

I was reading a story at washingtonpost.com and it was a write up about the prayer warriors at Refreshing Spring Church of God in Christ in Riverdale New York. These prayer warriors prepare for service by coming to church two hours before the congregants and pray that the spirit of the Lord abides and the church. They pray before morning services, and during the week they pray on behalf of those in need, excusing themselves to a quiet room at their jobs, gathering around hospital beds, or bowing heads on a conference call. If you are unfamiliar with the term or concept of a prayer warrior imagine someone who is going into battle. That is also true of prayer warriors, except their weapons are prayers not weapons. We are also called intercessory prayers because they pray to God for others. Have you ever felt a nudge in your spirit to pray for another person or a complete stranger? There are times when I pray I see the faces of people I know and I am led to pray for them. How wonderful God must be to have his people praying you those of us who need it.

My intention was not to make this a churchy but a spiritual post. To me prayer is simply communicating with God spirit to spirit. It’s solving problems and addressing issues spiritually. It can be like salve on a painful sore. There is nothing more beautiful and unselfish than to pray on behalf of another person, to put your own wants and needs aside and go to the Father on behalf of another person. I believe God has millions of prayer warriors and you never know when he has assigned one to pray specifically for you.


Thankfully I am past the stage of feeling like I have to be a saint devoid of sin to pray for others. I can’t count the times God has grabbed me in the spiritual collar and told me that regardless of my stage in life his love for me was boundless, immeasurable, infallible, justified, impenetrable by other forces, uninfluenced, pure and the highest form of love one could be blessed enough to obtain. So even if I am knee deep in trouble or sin I still feel confidant enough to pray for other people. And yes……….I believe God hears my prayer.




Now back to our regular scheduled programming.

Post Racial American My AZZ

Ex-Ladue police chief: City made me stop blacks

The Associated Press

Thursday, March 25, 2010 | 10:43 a.m.

A lawsuit filed by the former police chief of the posh St. Louis suburb of Ladue claims he was pressured to pull over blacks and set ticket quotas for out-of-towners, but be lenient with the town's residents, even those who drove drunk.

When he refused to go along, he was fired, Larry White said. His suit filed Monday in St. Louis County Circuit Court seeks unspecified damages. It names the city, Mayor Irene Holmes and members of the city council.

Holmes declined comment. Her assistant, Mike Wooldridge, speaking on behalf of the city, said Ladue denies any wrongdoing and believes White's firing was justified.

"We feel confident that we acted appropriately and in the city's best interest," Wooldridge said.

Ladue is among the wealthiest communities in the Midwest. The town of 8,500 residents 10 miles west of St. Louis had a median household income of $161,613 in 2008. That's the most of any town of more than 1,000 residents in Missouri. About 96 percent of Ladue residents are white, and about 1 percent are black.

The city hired White as police chief in 2007. His suit said soon after his hiring, Holmes encouraged him to pull over "those people" and pull them from their cars "so that others would see what was going on and avoid the city of Ladue." White understood "those people" to be blacks who were driving through the city.

But White said he refused to go along. The lawsuit cited racial profiling statistics showing the percentage of black drivers who were stopped, searched and arrested declined under his leadership of the police department.

The suit said that after White eliminated his predecessor's ticket quota system, Holmes told him she wanted a lot of traffic tickets written _ but not against Ladue residents.

White said Holmes also pressured him to vigorously enforce driving while intoxicated laws, except against Ladue residents. The suit said White was told that in the past, Ladue police did not arrest residents suspected of DWI but instead took them home.

White was fired in August.

His attorney, Chet Pleban, did not respond to a phone message seeking comment.

Get A Clue

I was over at necolebitchie.com and I was reading a recent interview by Lisa Raye aka Diamond from Players Club. Here is what Ms. Raye had to say for herself and her choice of men:


“My whole life has been a fairytale. Every man that I have ever dated has always been powerful, had money and been generous to me. He (Michael Musicik) was just the next in line. It was like this is how I am supposed to treated. My father was my first introduction to power. I am attracted to power. So when people always ask me why you always date a man with money, why in the hell wouldn’t I? I have my own lifestyle, it’s like, I’m not going for less than what I have. If I can’t be spoiled because he is not that generous, loving and caring, I don’t want you. Go to the next one. I can wait. I don’t know what it is not to be pampered and spoiled. I don’t even want to try it. That’s like saying to me, I’ma be broke. What do you mean? What? No. That don’t work for me. That’s not an option for me. I’ve never been that.”

The more I read, the more knots appeared in my stomach. This seemed wrong on so many levels, where do I start? Well first let me say there is nothing wrong with expecting YOUR man to support you. So that we are clear lets define support.

Support= To uphold by aid or countenance; to aid; to help; to back up; as, to support a friend or a party; to support the present administration

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man aiding his woman financially. However, unless otherwise stated, I feel that no man is indebted to a woman to be her sole financial care taker. In this modern day and age we should be able to take care of ourselves. I understand once you obtain a certain level of living and a higher financial bracket your crowd may change. No one lives in Bel-Air and goes to Compton looking for their soul mate, at least not on purpose.

But expecting your mate to be rich and powerful may leave a very limited amount of men at your disposal. This mentality has contributed to the profound lonely black woman syndrome. Today Black women are more likely to have a college degree, decent paying job and many other wonderful accolades than her male counterpart. However, it seems like we all are chasing the same group of wealthy powerful brothers. Could this be the reason that the rich and power men have their prime choice of women and women wait their turn to be with these men? Is this the reason that we are hearing so many married rich and powerful men are involved in extramarital affairs with several women?

Men are not stupid creatures. No one wants to feel used or looked at as an open check book. Most men are attracted to women that can fully support themselves. Independence is a sign of confidence and control.

If we only limit our search for love to the rich and power we might miss the man that posses the characteristics that money can’t buy.

History Making Health Reform

It looks like our Prez pulled out the big guns and got those fools in Congress to pass a bill that will reform our health care system. It baffled me that people that made at least 5-6 figures a year would deny health insurance to people who are living pay check to pay check. I am sure it is easy to scrutinize, procrastinate and simply shit on your fellow Americans when you are millionaire but try living week to week on a small paycheck and rent take up 65% of your take home pay and making simply enough to take care of your daily needs. When I say daily needs that means food, water, shelter and clothing.

I know some Republicans are quite salty behind this landmark decision but *****in my best Sam Cook voice…it’s been a looooooong, long time coming, but I know change gone come…Oh yes it will*****

Now there are somethings that I do not agree with in the bill, like in 2014, everyone must purchase health insurance or face a $695 annual fine. There are some exceptions for low-income people.



Here are the highlights of the bill


Cost:
• $940 billion over ten years.

Deficit:
• Would reduce the deficit by $143 billion over the first ten years. That is an updated CBO estimate. Their first preliminary estimate said it would reduce the deficit by $130 billion over ten years. Would reduce the deficit by $1.2 billion dollars in the second ten years.

Coverage:
• Would expand coverage to 32 million Americans who are currently uninsured.
Health Insurance Exchanges:
• The uninsured and self-employed would be able to purchase insurance through state-based exchanges with subsidies available to individuals and families with income between the 133 percent and 400 percent of poverty level.
• Separate exchanges would be created for small businesses to purchase coverage -- effective 2014.

• Funding available to states to establish exchanges within one year of enactment and until January 1, 2015.
Subsidies:

• Individuals and families who make between 100 percent - 400 percent of the Federal Poverty Level (FPL) and want to purchase their own health insurance on an exchange are eligible for subsidies. They cannot be eligible for Medicare, Medicaid and cannot be covered by an employer. Eligible buyers receive premium credits and there is a cap for how much they have to contribute to their premiums on a sliding scale.
Federal Poverty Level for family of four is $22,050


Paying for the Plan:
• Medicare Payroll tax on investment income -- Starting in 2012, the Medicare Payroll Tax will be expanded to include unearned income. That will be a 3.8 percent tax on investment income for families making more than $250,000 per year ($200,000 for individuals).

• Excise Tax -- Beginning in 2018, insurance companies will pay a 40 percent excise tax on so-called "Cadillac" high-end insurance plans worth over $27,500 for families ($10,200 for individuals). Dental and vision plans are exempt and will not be counted in the total cost of a family's plan.

• Tanning Tax -- 10 percent excise tax on indoor tanning services.
Medicare:
• Closes the Medicare prescription drug "donut hole" by 2020. Seniors who hit the donut hole by 2010 will receive a $250 rebate.

• Beginning in 2011, seniors in the gap will receive a 50 percent discount on brand name drugs. The bill also includes $500 billion in Medicare cuts over the next decade.
Medicaid:

• Expands Medicaid to include 133 percent of federal poverty level which is $29,327 for a family of four.

• Requires states to expand Medicaid to include childless adults starting in 2014.
• Federal Government pays 100 percent of costs for covering newly eligible individuals through 2016.

• Illegal immigrants are not eligible for Medicaid.
Insurance Reforms:

• Six months after enactment, insurance companies could no longer denying children coverage based on a preexisting condition.

• Starting in 2014, insurance companies cannot deny coverage to anyone with preexisting conditions.

• Insurance companies must allow children to stay on their parent's insurance plans until their 26th birthday.
Abortion:

• The bill segregates private insurance premium funds from taxpayer funds. Individuals would have to pay for abortion coverage by making two separate payments, private funds would have to be kept in a separate account from federal and taxpayer funds.

• No health care plan would be required to offer abortion coverage. States could pass legislation choosing to opt out of offering abortion coverage through the exchange.
**Separately, anti-abortion Democrats worked out language with the White House on an executive order that would state that no federal funds can be used to pay for abortions except in the case of rape, incest or health of the mother.
Individual Mandate:

• In 2014, everyone must purchase health insurance or face a $695 annual fine. There are some exceptions for low-income people.
Employer Mandate:

• Technically, there is no employer mandate. Employers with more than 50 employees must provide health insurance or pay a fine of $2000 per worker each year if any worker receives federal subsidies to purchase health insurance. Fines applied to entire number of employees minus some allowances.
Immigration:

• Illegal immigrants will not be allowed to buy health insurance in the exchanges -- even if they pay completely with their own money.

Hey friends and fam,

Sorry for the delay in post but life has been coming at me full force! It has been raining like crazy here in the Midwest and guess what…………..MY ROOF IS LEAKING! Yes you read it right…my damn roof is leaking and I am seething with anger. I have not been in the house a year and my roof is leaking. When I purchased my home I was told that I had a new roof…before you ask yes I got the home inspected and every document I have on the home indicates that I have a new roof.

Well I asked a roofer to go on top of the roof and what do you know he comes down saying I NEED a new roof and he snapped a few pics for proof. Well of course I did not believe him so I called two more roofing companies and they both say “you need a new roof”. Oh by the way a new roof is about 5,000.00 to 8,000.00. My eyes popped out my mf’ing head.

I felt just like 50 cent when he said..................

I got the sickest vendetta when it come to the chedda
And if you play with my paper, you gotta meet my berretta

Chile there was all kind of neck rolling, tongue popping, eyes rolling and hand on hip action when I contacted my realtor. After several attempts of trying to contact the buyer and getting no response…what did you think a sistah did?


You damn right marched my ass straight to the civil court to file me a good ole law suite. I could not wait to hand the clerk my petition and 125.00 filing fee. I was on a mission and ready to take the entire real estate system down! Last weekend was nothing but rain so I had to pay 245.00 to have tarps placed on the roof. Ya know yo girl was ready to go straight hood. That was my damn electric bill money…aint nobody got an extra 245.00 just laying around looking for something to do. So after I spend 245.00 on the tarp and 125.00 on the filing fee here comes the buyer talking about working something out.

Oh now the bish can return a call! Are you freaking kidding me? I will keep y’all posted but if this chick try to play me, I swear I will be posting to this site from St. Louis City Medium Correction Center AKA The Justice Center AKA The Jerk House.


Keep me in your prayers.

Peace, Love and Light