Sunday, October 18, 2009


Well I am actually on the computer on a Sunday. Lately that has become abnormal. I decided that I would start looking at other industries to see if there are any new opportunities in my field. I can tell you that it is very frustrating trying to navigate a job search via the Internet. It can be very tiring...thank the LORD I have a job. I only searched for 30 minutes I can imagine what people that are actually unemployed go through!

I like my current job, my boss and co-workers are fabulous. For the first time I actually enjoy coming to work. However, my job has become boring. Yeah I know in this eco-No-Money, I should just be happy to have a job...but my brain craves productivity. Plus it is always good to stay current with the market. It's a sure why to determine new trends, fair pay and great employment opportunities.

Sometime this week I will have to update my resume and just throw it out there to see if any fish bite. As strange as it sounds I like interviewing...even if I don't get the job. It helps me stay sharp and lets me know what employers are really looking for. I am still thinking about going to school this spring to pursue an engineering degree.

Well I have so much work to do. The house is a mess, the car needs to be washed as well as my hair. If any of you know of any management jobs in the utility industry or customer service...holla at a sistah.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My Authentic Self

As I get older being authentic has become very importunate to me. It’s almost like I’m allergic to people that are not their genuine self. It seems that most of the people I know are disingenuous and hypocritical. Sadly for many years I carried my duplicitous alter ego with me everywhere I went. This fake persona (for the sake of this article let’s call her... Candy) would make an appearance whenever needed. It actually got to the point that people I’d known for years had more interaction with Candy than they did with me. In reality they did not know me very well at all but they were well acquainted with my alter ego Candy.

Being fake or insincere seems like a lightweight issue but in reality it’s quite lonely. People have expectations and once you have built yourself up to be perceived in a certain light it is very hard to turn around and do a 360. Being phony also takes a great deal of energy, it requires you to smile when you want to cry, sometimes it requires you to lie about your finances or your career, you seem over the moon when you talk about your home life or relationships. People began to envy your life because you have created a perfect fraudulent life.

After years of posing as Candy I decided to take off the mask and try being me. Honestly it was harder being me than I thought. Being me required that I let people in my life, that I trusted them with my feelings and secrets. I felt almost led to tell people about my weaknesses and bad days. Finally people are beginning to see that sometimes I am not as confidant as I seem. I feel it is very important to let people know when I am struggling….how can I get help if I am always pretending to be fine. How can people relate to me if I seem to have the ideal life

This past Saturday I saw an associate that I had not seen in years. This young lady had gastric bypass surgery since we last saw one another. The weight loss was dramatic, had she not been in the room with other people I recognized I would not have known it was her standing before me. Candy started to show up and was making some pretty unflattering remarks about my associate in my thoughts. Luckily for me I decided to hold judgment and just enjoy the opportunity to relax and enjoy friends. At some point during the get-together the associate decided to share why she decided have the surgery. I was flabbergasted when she said she had gotten up to 365lbs. I had not seem her in quite a few years and she was not 365 five years ago! She explained the limitations and grief she suffered prior to her surgery. Upon hearing her speak so opening and unabashed about herself Candy began to disappear because she had no one there to fuel her fire. I had no reason to be self righteous and the essence of perfection. I don’t want my readers to be confused and think that I have correlated sadness and weakness with genuineness because that is not the case. For me I was always too happy to share the good parts of my life but I hid the parts that were not as pretty. People only knew one side of me and that was the happy everything is alright perfect side of me. The side effects to that persona are judgment. I always passed irrational judgment on others, making assumptions and spreading gossip as if it were the word. So please don’t think I am confusing being real with sadness and gloom. I am just trying to become a whole person. This is a personal prescription and may not be suitable for everyone.

I thank that sister for her ability unapologetically share herself. It gives me more strength to be just me. Sadly I’ve come to the realization that Candy must be destroyed. She has kept me from becoming the person I was meant to be. She has been used as a tool to hinder my growth and surround me with other fake people.

If you see Candy on the side of the milk carton…don’t bother to call missing persons because she is no longer wanted or needed.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Hair We Go…..Again.

As most of you know I wear my hair loc’ed. However, there was a point in my life when locing was not an option. People I was addicted to weave. When I say addicted I mean I had to have it. I would obsess about getting my weave done more that I cared about paying my car note. Seriously.

Chile walking into the beauty supply to look at all the weaves made me high. I marveled at all the colors, textures, curly, kinky, straight, bone straight and wavy. I could look at the wall for hours. I just loved it. I would take my time and find the most perfect hair I could find and run out the door like I just copped a big ole eight ball of crack (lol). But if I wanted my hair to be super bad I had to make sure my relaxer was on point … if not I would need to pick up some Elasta QP or hopefully my stylist would have some of that Affirm. I may come out of the beauty supply $50.00- 75.00 lighter but I felt great.

Then I would go home and soak my head with conditioner and glue remover. I would pour half a bottle of conditioner on my head with about two bottles of glue remover. I placed a plastic bag or cap on my head for a few hours. This made the removal of the old hair much simpler. However, sometimes the glue would be real stubborn and I would have to tear off some of my real hair to remove the weave. Once the weave was totally out I would take a wide tooth comb and comb out all the glue. I always placed my weave in a pile once I removed it. I would often look at it like an old friend going on to college or the army and you’re sad to see them leave but hope the best for them.

The down side to the conditioner/weave removal process was the glue would get gummy and stick to everything in sight. If it got on your cloths you can forget it because it was never coming off. If it got on the carpet or walls it would be hell to get out. Needless, to say I had a weave removal uniform…. yes I did. I would wear this raggedy t-shirt with some bleached up jogging pants when I took out my weave. Once the glue and the hair were out I would wash and blow dry my hair.

It’s sad to admit but it was hard for me to look at myself in the mirror without my weave. To me the hair made me feel beautiful and seductive. Without the hair I felt like a bald head ugly girl that desperately needed the weave to feel whole again. I would quickly tie my hair up with a scarf and waited for the next day so I could let my stylist work her magic.

I would show up to the salon at my appointed time and waited with baited breath for her to get to me. But the wait was okay because I would pour over magazines looking for the perfect style to rock my new weave. Once I found the style I wanted I would hold on to that book for dear life. Then I would pull my weave out the pack and look at it, ran my fingers through it, and I totally loved the smell of a new pack of weave. After feeling it and smelling it I put it back in the bag and waited my turn.

Now once I’ve waited between 1-2 hours depending on how overbooked the stylist is I would get my turn to set in the seat. I handed her my book and said I want my hair like hers! Now the transformation began. This normally took about another 1-2 hours depending on how I was getting my hair. I loved to feel the cold glue press up against my scalp. Then I would feel the soft hair fall on my face……….I was in heaven. Then she would start cutting with the razor. As she got further in the process my excitement would be on full blast. She would go over each section with the flat iron. I love smelling the oil sheen and spritz sizzling on the hair as the hot flat irons made each strand of hair more perfect than before.

Finally reveal time… and the stylist turns me to the mirror and I can hear Stevie Wonder singing …Isn’t she lovely, isn’t she wonderful. I would inspect the hair and make sure that it was to my liking and if not ask the stylist to tweak some areas if needed. But when I left I was in full DIVA mode. Before I left I had to put on a little mascara and lip gloss.

In 24 hours I went from feeling like the ugly duckling in the mirror to a full beauty queen. This went on for 16 years until finally I got tired of wasting my money and feeling so damn insecure. I challenged myself to feel beautiful outside the confines of weaves and wigs. I took the scissors to my head and chopped off all the perm. I went to my loctian and said I want locs. Now trust me the locs was not love at first sight. Trust me I did not feel beautiful at all but I was determined to break myself from feeling ugly because something as stupid as hair. People would say little smart remarks or not say anything at all. I don’t think the first 2 months of me getting my locs no one said anything positive about my hair. It felt like it was me against the world, but I was determined to win. My family asked me questions like what are you doing with your hair, friends just did not say nothing or would tell me about someone else with short hair and how THEIR hair looked good. Indicating that mine did not look so good. I did just what Jay said in the song… I brushed the dirt off my shoulders and kept pushing. Now that I am 2 years into the locs people that were hating before say things like… man I wish I had the courage to do that or do I have to cut off all my hair or my favorite do they have loc extensions that I can wear until my hair grows out. I understand that everyone is not into the natural thang and I am fine with that. I am not one that will belittle a sistah for rocking a weave or relaxed hair. Do what makes you feel beautiful… but when your self esteem and worth is connected to hair then it is time to check yo self.