My Authentic Self

As I get older being authentic has become very importunate to me. It’s almost like I’m allergic to people that are not their genuine self. It seems that most of the people I know are disingenuous and hypocritical. Sadly for many years I carried my duplicitous alter ego with me everywhere I went. This fake persona (for the sake of this article let’s call her... Candy) would make an appearance whenever needed. It actually got to the point that people I’d known for years had more interaction with Candy than they did with me. In reality they did not know me very well at all but they were well acquainted with my alter ego Candy.

Being fake or insincere seems like a lightweight issue but in reality it’s quite lonely. People have expectations and once you have built yourself up to be perceived in a certain light it is very hard to turn around and do a 360. Being phony also takes a great deal of energy, it requires you to smile when you want to cry, sometimes it requires you to lie about your finances or your career, you seem over the moon when you talk about your home life or relationships. People began to envy your life because you have created a perfect fraudulent life.

After years of posing as Candy I decided to take off the mask and try being me. Honestly it was harder being me than I thought. Being me required that I let people in my life, that I trusted them with my feelings and secrets. I felt almost led to tell people about my weaknesses and bad days. Finally people are beginning to see that sometimes I am not as confidant as I seem. I feel it is very important to let people know when I am struggling….how can I get help if I am always pretending to be fine. How can people relate to me if I seem to have the ideal life

This past Saturday I saw an associate that I had not seen in years. This young lady had gastric bypass surgery since we last saw one another. The weight loss was dramatic, had she not been in the room with other people I recognized I would not have known it was her standing before me. Candy started to show up and was making some pretty unflattering remarks about my associate in my thoughts. Luckily for me I decided to hold judgment and just enjoy the opportunity to relax and enjoy friends. At some point during the get-together the associate decided to share why she decided have the surgery. I was flabbergasted when she said she had gotten up to 365lbs. I had not seem her in quite a few years and she was not 365 five years ago! She explained the limitations and grief she suffered prior to her surgery. Upon hearing her speak so opening and unabashed about herself Candy began to disappear because she had no one there to fuel her fire. I had no reason to be self righteous and the essence of perfection. I don’t want my readers to be confused and think that I have correlated sadness and weakness with genuineness because that is not the case. For me I was always too happy to share the good parts of my life but I hid the parts that were not as pretty. People only knew one side of me and that was the happy everything is alright perfect side of me. The side effects to that persona are judgment. I always passed irrational judgment on others, making assumptions and spreading gossip as if it were the word. So please don’t think I am confusing being real with sadness and gloom. I am just trying to become a whole person. This is a personal prescription and may not be suitable for everyone.

I thank that sister for her ability unapologetically share herself. It gives me more strength to be just me. Sadly I’ve come to the realization that Candy must be destroyed. She has kept me from becoming the person I was meant to be. She has been used as a tool to hinder my growth and surround me with other fake people.

If you see Candy on the side of the milk carton…don’t bother to call missing persons because she is no longer wanted or needed.