Learning Me

As strange as it may sound, I am still learning me. Yes, I've been me for the last 32 years, but there are somethings that I've denied myself for years. I've been a conformist for most of my life and it's really tiring. I was reading O magazine one day and a quote damn near knocked me on my feet. The quote said, " Let the world know you as your are, not as you think you should be. Cause sooner or later if you are posing, you will forget that pose, and then where are you?"


People I am so tired of posing. I went to school for business because it was easy and my most influential friend at the time was going to school for business. Instead of admitting that I was almost a junior in college and still did not know what I wanted to be when I grew up was not something I wanted people to know so I conformed.


Dating men that were not my style or not really into the things that I was into was apart of my 20's lifestyle. As long as he was perceived as a great catch then that was all that matter. Forget, that I was going through relationship after relationship. I wanted the perfect relationship like my friend Debra. Debra has a wonderful husband, a great kid and everything seems romatical and divine in her life. So instead of searching for a man that was good to me, I wanted someone exactly like Debra's man.

Insecurity ran through me like blood in my veins. I always carried my insecurities with me, they never left my side. I'd try to hide them and pretend that I had confidence but really I was always comparing myself to others in the room. At some point in my life I convinced myself that I was not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, ect...


Finally at the great age of 30, I began to realize this is my life. I want my life to reflect me, not someone else life I've been emulating. I want to live my life on my terms, good and bad, but still my life. So far I've decided to just be me and let people love me or hate me for that. People pleasing is very hard and time consuming. Embracing my fears and faults is all part of getting to know and accept me.

Today I looked in the mirror and saw a curly grey hair along my hair line. I smiled and thought damn I earned that one. I ran my fingers through my locs and felt proud that I decided to go against the grain and go natural. I've also decided to go back to school this summer. Although I like business, business comes natural to me and it is easy. Most of the things I learned in business school I already knew. So I've decided to go to school for something totally different than business. Something that makes money, yet fulfilling and challenging. I've decided to go to school for............................. Civil Engineering. I know that it will be hard, due to all the math and science classes, but I am ready for the challenge. My job will pay a great deal of the tuition, so I will not come out with an extreme amount of debt like I did with the bachelor and master degree I have. I love learning, my mind craves information and my soul craves change.


For the last 3 years I've been living my life like it's golden. That's right MY LIFE. Never let someone define your life. Life is precious and meant to be lived to the fullest. Yes there will be regrets and moments of hurt. But you live and get over it. I encourage you to live YOUR life the way you want to live it and start today. The sooner the better.