Trying To Keep It Together

I feel so empty today a bit off base. Today was my uncle’s funeral and I decided not to go, for my own personal sanity. I absolutely hate funerals, they make me mentally ill. So to save myself grieve I decided to go to work today. As a matter of fact to keep my mind busy I decided to work 11 hours. But guess what I kept peeping the time and around the time of the funeral my stomach got all tied up in knots, felt like I wanted to vomit and generally felt alone.

Not going to the funeral did not totally solve my problem. But I knew it would have been 10x worst if I had actually gone and peeked inside the casket. Honestly I am trying to keep it together; Sometimes it’s easy other times it’s hard.

My uncle was killed by someone close to our family and my emotions are everywhere. I know the person did not try to kill him… but the outcome is the same. I believe in God and the word says

TO EVERYTHING there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted,
A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down and a time to build up,
A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
A time to get and a time to lose, a time to keep and a time to cast away,
A time to rend and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.This says to me that while on this earth I will experience a multitude of joy, pain, peace, turmoil, happiness, love and hate. I remember I read somewhere that we were spiritual beings having a human experience, and truly I believe that.
I just hate thinking about my own immortality and that is what funerals make me think about. But on the other hand I think about how short his life really is. How important it is to live life to the fullest and fulfill your purpose. These past few days I’ve asked myself if I am living my life to the fullest, if I’m squeezing every drop out.
It’s becoming more and more important to me that I live a happy life. Not a live filled with complaints, unfulfilled dreams, and blurbs of happiness. So now I try not to trip off of things too hard. Stand up for what I believe with the understanding that we all may not get along.

There is no point in trying to make everyone happy. When I get down, I will no longer stay down. I will consciously try to move past things that don’t enhance or benefit my life. Balance is the key